My friend and mentor Jean Illsley Clarke has a great book out called "How Much is Enough?: Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likable, Responsible and Respectful Children from Toddlers to Teens." This is a really important book for many parents who are struggling with where to draw lines, which battles to choose and how to combat the attitudes of entitlement that seem to be insidiously invading our culture.
Based on years of research, Jean and co-authors Connie Dawson and David Bredehoft from the University of Minnesota have identified three ways parents overindulge children. Here they are:
- Giving too much. This is the thing most of us think about when we think about overindulgence. We think about spoiled kids with too many toys. It can also be too many activities. In today's society, when marketing is everywhere, especially aimed at children (a huge and growing demographic many companies are targeting), parents can be fooled into thinking they aren't good parents if they aren't giving their child the latest, greatest educational or other gadget.
- Over-nurture. This is when we over function for children by doing things for them they can do for themselves, or by doing too much for them when they need to learn from natural or logical consequences. A quote from the book says, "If you water a plant too much, it dies. Even if you you are watering it too much out of love, it still dies." (Ada Alden)
- Soft Structure. This is when we fail to follow through consistently on rules. It is giving children too much freedom or license to do things they want to do that aren't age appropriate.
I could write a whole blog piece on each of these and then some. What I want to do here is raise awareness. Do any of these sound like things you might be doing, however well-meaning? If so, please get help! Your children deserve love and also to learn the skills they will needs as adults in our changing world. Remember that, in current conditions in our society, good parenting is often a counter-cultural activity....
All three of the above traits are detrimental to the healthy development of children. Parents who were overindulged as children may have a harder time recognizing these attributes or knowing what to do about them. Take a look at this book for tools to help you avoid, correct, and deal with these issues. Or, you can check out their website at www.overindulgence.info .
Leave a comment and tell me what you think!
Comments