Diligent Joy Blog

Fault Line

Driving home today from seeing the girl I mentor in the Communities in Schools program (just an hour a week, really--you should do it, too), I was having a (hands free) conversation with my son that ended in some sort of defensive statement about fault, at which point I said, "Let's just talk when I get home in a few minutes."  I knew the conversation wasn't going anywhere productive and was unlikely to via cell phone, so I took a break.  I reminded myself that I really didn't want to spend the rest of this incredibly beautiful and unseasonably sunny November afternoon arguing with my son.  I breathed.  I made an attempt to plan how I could say things when I arrived home.

The continued conversation was embedded with teen angst, defensiveness on both our parts, and discussion about fault.  "Was it my fault this happened?"  "Oh, yeah, well was it my fault that happened?"  Which brings me to today's differentiation:  fault versus responsibility.

In my experience, many people put a lot of stock into whose fault things are, when in reality, it rarely matters that much to the solution.  I mean, take, for instance, the current economic situation.  Some people place blame squarely on the shoulders of the current administration.  Others are certain its origins are actually back in the '90's.  But in terms of moving forward, does it really matter?  We are where we are, and we need to do things differently, so let's talk about how to do that.  What our leaders decide to do may depend on what things were responsible for our current situation, but the blame game only serves to make someone feel righteous at another's expense. 

And so it is in our relationships.  Blaming others rarely gets us what we want--unless it's revenge or a way to keep from taking responsibility for something.  The emotional riff that occurs is often as big as a fault line shifting in the earth.  If I can blame you, and convince myself that it's all your fault, then what can I do to change things?  Nada. However, if I look at what the facts are about the situation, determine what I don't like about it, and see where I can take responsibility to change things, then I can move forward.  I may even need to ask you to take responsibility for your part and not rescue you out of consequences, which can be unpleasant, but it's different from blaming.

I managed to discuss that piece with my son, and things are much less heated now.  I see ways we can keep from getting here in the future, and I know that the most important thing is that we can keep talking to each other, which is unlikely if we're blaming. 

On this Thanksgiving Eve, I challenge you to take responsibility for being grateful in your life.  Count your blessings.  Savor them.  Share them.  And enjoy your turkey.

I'd Like to Thank the Academy......

Imagine my surprise when, upon coming home from a coffee date with colleagues and friend from the Advancing Leadership program, my phone rang.  OK, that wasn't the surprising part.  Phones ring around here all the time.  It's ridiculous how many phone numbers belong to members of my family.  When I was a kid, one phone number was enough for the entire family....But I digress.

The caller i.d. said "RDF Media."  To be honest, I thought it was a sales call, but I answered, and the woman said she was from the production company for the show, Wife Swap.  They were filming in the area, and the mom that had been sent to the family from the other coast was interested in having a couple of the family members talk to a Life Coach.  They'd been on my website, and were wondering if I'd be willing to do it.  The next day.  At my house.

I asked a bunch of questions, and asked to call her back.  I called a few people close to me to go, "Oh, my gosh!  They want me to be on a national TV program!  What do I do?"  I got really helpful advice, like, "Your house is fine, really" and "Wear colors that match the room you'll be filmed in, so you don't clash." (It helps to have a brother-in-law that used to work in television news).  But the best advice that I got from several of my nearest and dearest was what I dish out all the time:  Be yourself.  You'll be great!

I've noticed that my house looks a bit different through the eyes of knowing television cameras will be in your living room.  We rallied to get a few things cleaned up, and we took care of some minor fix ups we'd been putting off.  So, when they called a few minutes ago to CANCEL (new mom took Life Coaching off her new rules list.  Apparently, they can do that.), I was mildly disappointed, but mostly grateful.  Here's my new Gratitude list:

Thank you to my husband, who said, "Tell me what you need me to do, and I'll do it." and meant it.
Thank you to my sons, who cooperatively did not undo any of the clean up that occurred, and who pitched in.
Thank you to my mom, who was willing to come down to help, even though we didn't need her.
Thank you to the really nice woman at Christopher and Banks who helped me put together an outfit that would not clash with my living room--and at a very affordable price.
Thank you to Jeff Verraldo of Carpet Care Northwest, whose "Spot Out" product worked great on the old spaghetti stains that I forgot were on the shade in the dining room.
Thank you to Neera Puri, Bruce Taylor, and John Rose, who helped create and update my website, which is how I got the phantom gig in the first place. 
Thank you to my current coach, Karen Nelson, who called after getting my email with the info to laugh with and encourage me.
Thank you to my friend, Kelly Maloney, of in | house communications, who gave me savvy business advice about the situation.
Thank you to my sister, Anne, and my brother, Dan, who each responded with incredible enthusiasm and the best "Be yourself" advice, along with their unconditional support and love, which gets me through a lot in life.
Thank you to Zeke the puppy, who remained oblivious, enthusiastic, and loving as always.
Thank you to my yoga teacher and dear friend, Jeni Martinez, who has taught me so many ways to do breath work to ground and balance myself.
Thank all of you who continue to support me in my endeavors and rally around me enthusiastically when wacky opportunities knock on my door, or when I'm the wacky one.

So, from Federal Way, Washington, this is Amy, a wife in no need of a swap, signing off.  Good night, and good luck!

Simply Grateful

I'll be short today.  Gratitude is one of my character strengths (click here and take the Values In Action survey to find yours).  This week and next, a lot of focus in a lot of places is on gratitude.  Here are 10 things for which I am grateful.  Make your own list each day, and watch your life satisfaction improve.  Or, make a list of 10 things for which you are grateful about your spouse and children.  Look at it each day and watch your relationship satisfaction improve.

Amy's List:

10)   Warm, fuzzy sweaters on cold, rainy days
 9)    Smiles on the faces of teenagers
 8)    Opportunities to spend time with good friends
 7)    Children in college who willingly call and visit home
 6)    Responsible kids who rarely cause angst
 5)    A loving steady, spouse who is my life partner and always willing to grow together
 4)    Relationships with friends of all ages
 3)    The most wonderful twin niece and nephew
 2)    Zeke the puppy
and the #1 thing I am grateful for today........

the perspective and ability to feel grateful.

Blessings to you all.

I Wanna Be Sedated......

I rely on indicators in my life to let me know when I've either let my self-care lapse or need to re-vamp the current program in some way.  One sure-fire indicator that acts as more like a 2x4 over my head is when I realize I am bemoaning the time it takes to do things like eat, get dressed, and take care of bodily functions.  I saw this happening this past week. 

My To Do List is admittedly way too long.  I do write things down, and have a fairly reliable system for being productive--the issue for me tends to be my natural curiosity, which creates interest in me in so many different things.  In addition, I seem to have extra time in the car lately (see Zero Hour), and when I'm alone with my thoughts, they tend to create ideas of more things for me to do.  Dang thoughts!  What's a girl to do?

I decided to try listening to music instead of NPR or talk radio or even the book on CD I currently have in the player (A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle).  Twice in the past two days, I've turned on the radio and heard "Ba ba ba bamp, ba ba ba ba bamp, I wanna be sedated....".  Twice.  I can go whole years without running across The Ramones on the radio.  Geesh.  Clearly, my self-care system needs an update.

Sometimes, it's just a matter of reinstating the basics:  don't eat at my desk--actually take time to eat, take regular breaks, have a set time when I'm done working from my home office each day.  Sometimes, it's a matter of shifting the way I look at time and productivity.  What is most important?  How am I supporting myself to take care of those things first?  What can I let go? The point is, it's a journey, and it is time for me to re-look at some of my habits and practices in order to take care of myself.

Is this selfish?  Perhaps.  But I think it was Thomas Leonard who said "selfish" has a bad rap.  There are a couple of analogies that have stayed with me over the years as I come in and out of revisiting self-care.  One is from my fabulous supervisor in my graduate social work internship program.  She used to tell me to remember that giving is great as long as there is a well to dip from.  If one's well gets too low, then the dipper will come up empty at some point.  The other analogy is the classic one about what we've all heard on any airplane we've ever flown.  In case of an emergency, place your own oxygen mask on first before attempting to help anyone next to you.  Much as many of us might like to think otherwise, we really are of little or no use to others if we aren't in decent shape first.  Even Jesus said that one of the greatest commandments was to love your neighbor as yourself--presupposing that you have love for yourself in the first place.  And if you love something or someone, you care for it or him or her, right?

My friend Jean, who is also an amazing mentor, wrote in her book, Self-Esteem:  A Family Affair, that children deserve parents whose needs are met.  That's how I first decided it was OK to do some self-care--for my kids.  Ironic, huh?  I'm sure there are those of you out there who can relate.  So, whatever your motivation, think if your self-care plan needs a little update or asterisk or a complete makeover.  Believe me, it's better than the alternative:  burnout, and taking The Ramones too seriously.  Ba Ba Ba Bamp......

God Bless America

As the granddaughter of a man who, as a pastor, took on a prominent community member in the 1940's regarding racial discrimination of one of his son's friends at the local Y, and the daughter of another pastor who represented the Chicago Presbytery marching from Selma to Montgomery in 1965, I join the millions of Americans who are thrilled with the election of Barack Obama.  I feel relief--like it's OK to be proud to be an American again.  And I totally respect any of you who have a different opinion.

Several years ago, there was a retrospective on the life of Hank Aaron.  It might have been around the time that another player was breaking his record. He talked about the death threats he received when he was about to hit his record breaking home run.  I remember thinking, "Death threats?  Really?"  And that's when I sat down and wrote my dad and my grandfather letters thanking them for how they had contributed to my world view that I wouldn't have even considered in my growing up years in the 1970's that a black man would receive death threats for breaking a sports record.

I also learned that our own family received death threats when my father agreed to march in that historic march.  His story is compelling and way too long for a blog post.  He does a lovely presentation about it, and I am so very proud to be his daughter.  My mom, sister, and I had to high tail it over to Fort Wayne, Indiana to stay with my (very conservative) grandparents while my dad marched.  I can just imagine that homecoming.....But you know, when I watched The Secret Life of Bees last week with my girlfriend, I was in tears because it just wasn't that long ago!

I was fortunate enough to have adults in my life who encouraged and modeled tolerance, compassion, and a broad view of the world.  I know that we all look at the world through the frames we are given and make, and I respect that.  So, if you disagree, that's really OK with me.  But I'm on Oprah's bandwagon--HOPE WON!  Even more than Barack Obama receiving more votes than John McCain, Hope won.  People were dancing in the streets, and I'm wondering if I should really tell my 18-year-old that doesn't happen after every election, because maybe it will start now.

As God would have it, I am scheduled to go on retreat this weekend.  A yearly ritual, this yoga retreat renews my body and spirit and quiets my mind.  I am very much looking forward to removing myself from phones and TVs and email and daily routine and paying a lot more attention to my breathing for a few days.  I hope to solidify and sanctify the hope that is within me and to buoy up for the long road ahead. 

I am so very proud that the country I love showed her true colors on Tuesday and used the precious right to vote to move us forward and to forge into new territory.  God bless us everyone.