Diligent Joy Blog

5 Parts of a Job

I'm recently back from a trip to Minneapolis, MN, to participate as staff for a leadership training facilitated by Jean Illsley Clarke.  I am honored to call Jean my mentor, colleague, and very dear friend, not to mention birthday twin.  Being with her for a week in the capacity of staff at one of her trainings was a privilege, and I am still integrating all the learning. 

Fast forward to our house this summer.  With one son home from college (where, apparently, "they do everything for you") and another focused on friends and fun, chore completion has been a challenge. Since last week's  leadership training was about overindulgence, I gained a lot of support and insights into ways I can be clearer about preventing myself from the 3 ways parents (and others) overindulge children and teens.  This information is based on years of research. The three ways parents (usually inadvertently) overindulge are:

1. too much (stuff, activities),
2. over nurture (doing too much for them) and
3. soft structure (not setting enough limits). 

No one I know intends to harm their children or teens by overindulging them, yet the research is pretty clear that providing too much, doing too much, and not setting enough limits can have an unintentional negative impact on adult functioning.  Adults who were overindulged as children can lack needed skills, have a skewed perspective on their importance, and have difficulty with the concept of "enough."

Here's a keeper phrase from the week:  "The intent doesn't match the impact."  We often intend to help, do a favor, lessen pain.  Yet, the impact can be learned incompetence, which no parent I know intends to be a result of their parenting.

Back to chores....here's a tool I found very helpful:  the five parts of a job.  Check it out:

1. What is the job? 
2. What skills are required to complete the job?
3. Do the job.
4. Finish the job.
5. Clean up any stuff/equipment/gear required to do the job.

I don't know about you, but I think this is Genius!!!  How many battles could be prevented if we came to a decision about exactly, in behavioral and descriptive terms what the job is?  Example:  Clean room = toys picked up, clothes put away, desk straightened, floor vacuumed, bed made.

But wait, there's more!  What skills are required?  Well, one needs to be able to pick up toys, put clothes in a hamper, hang up clothing, put clean clothes in a drawer, sort school papers, etc....depending on the age of one's child, of course.

And then, one needs to do the job.  If your child is very young, or any time someone is learning a new skill, training time will most likely be required.  Plan for that.  Do it with them.  Show them what you mean.

But we're not done yet!  One needs to finish the job.  To do this, parent and child need a mutually shared definition of what it means to be done.  Does the floor need to be clear?  Do all toys need to be in bins?  Do books need to be on a shelf?  Does the rug need to be vacuumed?  The bed made?  How well?  Is there a time frame for completion? If this is an area that needs work at your house, see how working with this concept effects results.

Finally, one needs to put the job tools away. Again, a mutually shared definition helps.  Do you have to put the vacuum back in the closet if your brother still needs to vacuum another room?  Do you need to put the dishes on the counter, in the sink, or in the dishwasher?  During training, it can be helpful for adults to go around with the young person to observe, "I see the hose is still in the grass.  Reel it in please."  Or, "I see dishes still on the counter.  When you put them in the dishwasher, you will be done."

I don't guarantee miracles, yet I hope it is a tool for clarity--a way for parents to set up chores for more successful and effective outcomes, and most importantly, a blueprint for teaching children how to do them competently. I don't know about you, but I'm all for competence in children and youth.  And adults.  Let's try this out:

Job:  Self-care
Skills required:  Ability to set boundaries and create time for myself
Do the job:  Take a bubble bath, read a book, take a walk, etc.
Finish the job:  Do not allow interruptions (other than true emergencies involving blood or fire) while participating in self-care.
Put stuff away:  Drain the tub, put marker in book, put walking shoes away.

Ahhhhh.  Well done!

Check Out Parenting By Strengths Today....

I've posted over at Parenting by Strengths--more info for parents to combat sexism with children and teens.

Bristol, Bras, and Sexism in America

I had a near traumatic experience today in the lingerie department at Macy's.  Shopping for bras is not easy for me, nor is it for most women.  I wear an odd size, and do not get much sympathy from other women about my....curves.  I am not skinny.  I am not fat.  I am full of curves, some welcome, some not.

I found myself curious at the fact that I was nearing tears at one point during the process, until the sales woman came to the rescue.  She had found two bras in my size (yes, only two out of the racks and racks of bras in the department), and had also come up with an additional product to help with a certain issue.

Afterward, as I was driving to get my hair cut, I thought of Sarah Palin and her recent public stand against a joke by David Letterman this week.  I actually agree with Governor Palin in terms of not finding funny much of the casual debasement of women in our society.  In our culture, it's "funny" to make jokes about her daughter's teen pregnancy, while we also spend billions of dollars sexualizing women and over $1.5 billion on ineffective abstinence only education for teens. 

While it may be ironic or even amusing to some that Bristol Palin is a national spokesperson for abstinence, there is nothing funny about teen pregnancy.  Our lack of funding and willingness to look at effective programs to prevent teen pregnancy has helped cost 750,000 teens a year their innocence and changed their lives forever.  One thing that does concern me about Ms. Palin's abstinence spokesperson association is that the Candies Foundation, for which she is an Ambassador, focuses on abstinence for teen girls.  Last time I checked, it took a male and female to create a pregnancy.  In yet another subtle way, our society is enabling sexism to continue.

In her book, Abortion Rap, the late attorney and activist, Florynce Kennedy, wrote the now famous statement, "if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."  There are days when I really contemplate that statement, especially in light of current politics on the subject.  There remains a piece of this argument that is mired in sexism, even though it appears on the surface to be a religious issue.  When people tell me they are Christian, and that is why they don't believe in abortion, I discern whether or not that is the moment to let them know I am Christian, and pro-choice.  Not pro-abortion, pro-choice.  I believe that women are able and entitled to make that decision for themselves.  When we remove the choice, we are treating them as "less than" citizens.

And that's why I was almost near tears today for a short moment before I grabbed my brain by its wits and got a grip.  I do not look like any of the women on the tags or advertisements for bras.  Or underwear.  Or shirts or shoes for that matter.  They are all thin, smiling, air-brushed models, put there to make men salivate and women feel inferior.  And yet, we come in all shapes and sizes, all of us children of God.  There's a line I love from the movie, Saved, where the lead female character says, "If God wanted us all to be the same, why did he make us all so different?" 

Indeed, we are different.  We are men, we are women, we are trans.  We are straight, we are gay, we are bi.  We have bodies that are male, female, in between.  We are obese, we are anorexic, we are bulimic.  We are.  And God adores us each, no matter what bra size we wear.

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

We've been having the most beautiful stretch of weather here in the Northwest.  Uncharacteristically warm and sunny for an uncharacteristically long period of time this time of year.  Often, we have days of sun, followed by much cooler, damper days.  But this is our third week of sunny, warm weather, and I am loving it!

I find myself in such a lovely mood, especially when I awaken to a sunny morning.  My energy is up; I want to get up and not miss any of the sunny day.  I want to sit outside, breathe the warm, soft air;  smell the soft, sweet scents from all things a-bloom--ahhhhh.  I relax just thinking about it.

One day, I found myself considering this on a deeper level.  Have you ever taken off from a cloudy location on an airplane and climbed above cloud level to the flying altitude?  If you have, you know that it's sunny up there above the clouds.  Logical, yes, but also a bit magical.

There's a saying out here in the Seattle area on sunny days when you can see the majestic mountains, especially Mt. Rainier.  People say, "Oh, look! The mountain is out today!"  As if it weren't there the other days.  Sort of like not realizing the sun is up there shining away above the clouds.

That got me to thinking.  I wonder if I remember this when it gets cloudy and rainy again.  That the sun IS there; I just can't see it.  The mountains ARE there, even if they are not visible. 

Taking it to another level, the lovableness of our family members and friends IS there, even when we aren't noticing.  The divinity of each person--the Christ-like qualities--ARE there; it is up to us to notice them and keep them visible on the cloudy days.  And God's love IS there for us, each and every moment of each and every day--we just need to see it, feel it, and accept it.

What would the world be like if we could see all the sunshine, even on cloudy days?  Ahhhhhh.