Diligent Joy Blog

Some Days Are Just Like That.....

There's a line at the end of the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.  Alexander is at the end of his afore-mentioned day, during which he's considered moving to Australia to be rid of all his irritations.  Philosophically, at bedtime, his mom says, "Some days are just like that, even in Australia." 

This morning, as I looked out onto the gray, dreary November day and sighed as I took my ever-increasing handful of vitamins and supplements, further supplemented this morning by a pain reliever due to a recent back-tweak, I had a moment of self-pity.  It seems that it takes so much effort sometimes just to maintain these days in the middle of my life.  The gray dreariness threatened to take over my mood in addition to the weather.

Last night, my loving, well-meaning husband asked me a trivia question he'd read in the news.  "What's the most stressful, underpaid profession?"  I paused but a moment and answered, "Social Work."  Bingo.  Great.  Is that something to be proud of?  Jury's out.....but that could explain why I am on a journey to use my social work skills without burning myself out.  This morning, though, it seemed like more fuel for self-doubt.

As I often do when I find myself tempted to continue down this path, I turned to spirit for help.  As I read the reading for today in A Course In Miracles, I was reminded that the goal is not that MY will be done.  And the goal is not to try to get more effortlessness in my life.  The goal is to let go and let God.  Thy will be done.  Be open to the flow.  Get in the vortex.  Get out of my own way.  Allow.  BE.  

And so, vitamins taken, coffee sipped, and quiet time taken, I prepare to embark on my day, realizing that in Australia, it's spring.

Guilty as Charged

Ann Coulter's been all over the radio the past couple of days--seems to be her forte to be loud and embroiled in controversy.  I haven't read her books--I'm sure from the excerpts I've read and the times I've heard her speak that it wouldn't be worth the drain on my peace of mind to give any more attention to her rants against liberals.

Here's an interesting point, though.  One of my favorite talk show hosts, Dave Ross, is probably the most impartial interviewer I've ever heard. Even though he admits he's got a liberal bent, he doggedly seeks out all sides of an issue.  So, when he was talking about Ms. C. and her apparent claim that liberals in our country have idolized single motherhood, which she says has in turn caused all sorts of problems, like fatherless children flooding the prisons, Mr. Ross had an interesting question.  He was willing to concede that single motherhood might not be the best situation in which to raise children.  His point was that he thought one of the interviewers ought to ask Ann's opinion on how to prevent single motherhood.   And I do have something to say about that subject, which I imagine would get me labeled "Guilty" by the woman who's made a name for herself by radical partisanship.

First of all, most of the women I know are not single mothers by choice.  I know there are women out there who do choose to be mothers on their own, creating life with donated sperm in order to have the experience, but they are not the majority.  Even so, it is their choice and right to do so, courtesy of women who have fought hard for equal rights--who, I dare say, are mostly "liberal."

Most of the women I know and know of are single parents due to one of two reasons:

1. They became pregnant unintentionally and decided to keep the baby.
2. They parted from their partner in some manner.
   

Dealing with #1, I, of course, adamantly support comprehensive sexuality education, and LOVE teaching it in church, with a Christian, sex-positive theology which does not shame youth, but educates them and helps them learn how to honor and take care of this part of their lives.  In addition, we teach about relationships, boundaries, decision-making and values, all of which I think need to be made as mandatory for graduation from high school as reading and math scores.  Certainly, having the knowledge about staying safe from pregnancy and disease, how to recognize, create and maintain healthy relationships, and how to make decisions about these crucial areas--has as much practical impact on a young person's life as their ability to name all 50 states, find the area of an isosceles triangle, or read and discuss Lord of the Flies.

While we won't guarantee an end to unwanted pregnancy by increasing mandatory comprehensive sexuality education, we certainly would see a continuation of a downward trend in pregnancy and disease from those who have been adequately and thoroughly educated.  Imagine charts, those of you in Washington State, that not only showed 4th, 7th, and 10th grade WASL score achievement in reading and math, but also showed teen pregnancy and disease rates per district. 

Regarding the second reason for single motherhood I mentioned, let's be real.  We do a lousy job in many parts of our culture of supporting people who decide to marry and/or have a child together.  Not only that, but well-meaning women too often find themselves in a relationship that ends up abusive in some way and make the choice to leave, with the children, for safety.  We aren't going to eradicate divorce or ending relationships in our society--do we really want to go back to a system where you can't leave no matter what?  In fact, I know of many women who come from unhealthy homes and repeat the pattern by leaving that home and becoming dependent on another unhealthy, but this time romantic, relationship, and end up financially and/or emotionally dependent on an abusive partner.  Should they not be encouraged to leave and start anew when they have the opportunity--even if they have a child? 

While I don't think we need to idolize single mothers, I also don't think we need to idolize two parent families just because they are two parent families.  What we need to do is support all children to have the best care they can have:  access to high quality health care, child care, and education, regardless of who their parents are.  Who knows?  They might even end up as President of the United States.

Ten Talks About Sex and Character

I write a column called "Sex in the Suburbs" twice a month for my local newspaper.  The goal of the column is to provide information and resources to parents about sexuality, in order to increase communication about the subject.  One of the resources I recommend is a book called Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Sex and Character by Pepper Schwartz and Dominic Cappello.  Aside from the compelling title, the book outlines a format for having discussions with children from about age 8 through the early teen years about sex and character issues.  Here are some of the topics covered and an overview of the process.

The 10 talks outlined in the book are:

1. How We Treat People:  Talking About Sex and Character
2. Life Changes:  Talking about Puberty
3. Personal Space:  Talking about Boundaries
4. Friends for Life:  Talking about Healthy Relationships
5. Those First Feelings:  Talking about Attraction and Love
6. Keeping Commitments:  Talking about Trust and Honesty
7. What's On?  Talking about TV, Movies, and Music
8. Cyberspace and Sexuality:  Talking about What's Online
9. How Are You Feeling?  Talking about Alcohol and Other Drugs
10. What We Believe:  Talking about Your Family's Values

Regardless of whether or not you use this book to discuss sexuality with your children, this list gives parents an overview of topics to bring up in addition to "the plumbing lesson," or the "how babies are born" talk.  Today's youth face these issues and more.  Parents and primary caregivers are our children's first and foremost teachers about sexuality--whether we are saying anything or not, and as important, whether we are listening to our youth or not.  Silence can send a very loud message.

The book outlines--in a thorough way--preparing for each talk, issues that might come up and how to deal with them, and going through the talks themselves, which consist of sharing stories/scenarios with the child or teen and asking some questions.  This is a research-based approach, which is intended to do several things:  help the young person think about situations in which s/he might find her/himself before they happen, think about how they might respond--ahead of time, allow the opportunity for the youth to ask questions, and allow the parent to be alert for any red flags based on a child's response. Engaging critical thinking skills about a topic as important and potentially life-changing as sexuality is a good thing--much more effective, the research shows, than "just say no."

What's missing from the book is an in depth discussion about sexual orientation and gender identity and how these issues effect our youth, whether they are questioning their own identity or know someone who is.  There are a couple of paragraphs in the book regarding this subject; however, with commonly quoted statistics at 1:10 teens who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, it is important to give this topic more than a cursory glance.  Whatever your personal values are, your children are going to deal with this issue as a part of their teen years, if not before.  Lawrence King, the 15-year-old murdered in California earlier this year due to his perceived sexual orientation, is just one example of a story that shows how important it is that we discuss these issues with our children and teens, and promote respect and tolerance, no matter whether we agree with someone's values and lifestyle or not.

I used to have a sticky note pad with the saying, "Parenting is not for wimps!" written across the top.  As parents or parent figures in our children's lives, we need to take the responsibility to have discussions about difficult topics--to risk and expect eye rolls, huffy breaths, and being the recipient of anger and disdain.  Talk about sex with your children and teens.  Trust me; it builds character.