Articles from Feb. 22, 2008 edition of Diligent Joy Blessings
In today's culture of entitlement, it can be very difficult for parents to discern where the lines are regarding needs, wants, and overindulgence. With product placement in media, Nike making baby shoes, and pressure on parents to have children involved in a myriad of activities, it is challenging for parents to figure out what is important to give and when it is important to hold back.
There are many factors that go into making an intelligent, informed decision about this issue. One is developmental stage. What is appropriate for a teenager may not be for an elementary aged child or preteen. While this may seem obvious to some, it is increasingly challenging for parents to decide, for instance, which clothing or shoes may be within their values when dressing their 7 year old daughters. High heels? Make up? Pierced ears? Think where your line is and be aware of media pressure to move it. If you do decide to change your limits, be sure you are doing it because of your values and thoughtfully--not because "everyone else" is allowing it.
There is increasing research on this subject. Check out this article, which discusses new research from the University of Minnesota correlating materialism with self-esteem in adolescence. Young adolescents generally experience a drop in self-esteem (which any parent of middle schoolers can tell you), at which point materialism has been shown to increase, then drop off again when the teens get older and have more self-assurance. This isn't just about designer shoes and handbags, though. I heard two speakers yesterday confirm what I already know, which is that many children join gangs in early adolescence--even kids from homes with enough money for both needs and wants. The youth who make these choices are often starving for quality time and relationships with the adults in their lives. I'm not trying to scare you--just let you know that your relationships and boundaries with your children are equally important. So check out David Bredhoft's newsletter today, and get yourself the support you need to take good care of yourself so you can shower your children with love and have the strength to set good limits for them too.
Time Out! A Cure for the Blahs I'm not talking about the discipline method for children when they go to their room or sit in a chair to think about what they've done or take a break from the action. I'm talking about a family time out from busy schedules. When is the last time you spent a morning or day just hanging out together? No soccer game to go to, meeting to attend, fundraiser to coordinate or call the same relatives for. My younger son dubbed these precious times "potato days" in our house--a play on the term "couch potato." It is easy to find ourselves with no down time in todays' world. There is always some worthwhile cause or project or activity to be involved with. Remember to take a time out for yourself and your family every once in awhile. Go on a picnic--even in your own living room. Turn off the TV or spend the afternoon watching movies together--whichever would shake up your routine and combat the blahs more. Take a walk for as long as it takes for your toddler to look at everything along the way. See the walk through his or her eyes. Take your teenager out for coffee or ice cream just because. Remember what Gandhi said, "There is more to life than increasing its speed." Slow down and be together. It's a great anecdote to the too-busy blues. Believe me, the dishes, laundry, bills, committee meetings, and soccer practice will all be there when you come back. Savor the Moment Any parent who has already launched their children will tell you to savor the
Marty Seligman, a well-known psychologist and author, has done much research on happiness. In his book, Authentic Happiness, he discusses what we do and don't have control over, and how our outlook on the past, present and future can effect our levels of satisfaction and happiness. He encourages us to practice savoring things in the present moment. He uses the example in his book of tasting ice cream, and about how the first bite often tastes wonderful, the second one, good, and pretty soon, we aren't' really tasting the ice cream any more. He suggests trying to wait 30 seconds in between each bite, which can seem like an eternity. However, this helps keep the ability to savor the flavors.
In parenting, I think we have moments. Moments that jump out at us to savor and others that pass us by. One way to get in touch with increasing your ability to savor is to review your pictures every now and then. I have a favorite one of one of my sons when he was 4 and had chocolate ice cream all over his face. I used to carry that photo around with me to remind me to enjoy the little things. By taking time to savor some everyday times and some special times that have passed, you can increase your sensitivity to them when they show up today. Then take 30 seconds to just savor the moment. The sunshine on your child's head. The fact that your teenager said thank you. The dance recital or scout court of honor. The snowball or snow angel. Breathe in the fragility of the now and the passage of time. Savor your life because everything that has happened has brought you to now, which in a moment, will also be gone.
