Diligent Joy Blog

Protect Who?

I am offended by the yard signs that have popped up in the last few days on the roadside in my neighborhood.  Urging people to reject Referendum 71 in our state is one thing, but with "Protect Marriage!  Protect Children!" as their tag line?  I don't think so.

First of all, the Referendum protects the rights the Washington legislature approved, which are commonly called the "Everything but marriage" provisions.  Domestic partnership is what is legal in Washington.  This provides protection for not only gay and lesbian couples, but also seniors in committed relationships who choose not to marry.

Protect marriage from what?  Those of us heterosexual couples who have the right to marry, since we do such a bang up job of it?  Current statistics put the divorce rate at between 45% and 49% of new marriages, depending on the source.  And since this law doesn't even have to do with marriage, this is a moot--well, actually, a very misrepresented point.

Protect children from what?  Parents in a committed relationship?    We need more of that, not less.  Being allowed to marry offers no guarantee that a couple will parent well.  Child abuse rates attest to that. Simply providing biological material to create a human being unfortunately carries with it no mandatory knowledge, wisdom, or commitment in caring for that being during or after pregnancy.  

What kind of protection is provided when a partner is forbidden from visiting a loved one dying in the hospital?  Whom does that protect? 

The question on the table is who is going to legislate what we believe?  Should the state deny rights to people simply because of their sexual orientation or living arrangements?  We need to approve Referendum 71 so we can protect people from the real issues on the table:  bigotry and hate.  I do agree with the opponents on one thing:  they are encouraging people to pray for Washington State.  Please do.  Let's join the folks in DC and elsewhere and Stand on the Side of Love, not hate and fear.  Contrary to what many on the dark side would lead you to believe, many Christians and Christian churches stand solidly on the side of equal rights for sexual minorities.

But you don't have to take my word for it.  Listen to Stephen Colbert.  Our state's fight made his national show last week.  Yes people, pray.  Pray hard for the people of Washington State.

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/252735/october-26-2009/the-word---don-t-ask-don-t-tell

The Spirit of Intersex

I have written recently in The Federal Way Mirror, and in the Parenting by Strengths Blog about Intersex issues.  The media coverage of Caster Semenya, which coincided with my finishing the book, Middlesex,  has prompted these writings.  Our society, by and large, is woefully ignorant about intersex issues--the frequency of their occurrence, the number of issues that cause them, the difference between sex and gender in general.

Here, on my personal blog, I am struck by what God thinks about all of this, having created each and every individual exactly the way they are and loving us all--those of us who are intersex, along with those of us who are woefully ignorant about this topic and still use the outdated and inaccurate term "hermaphrodite." 

This video is a performance by Eric Bibb of his song, Spirit I Am.  I was introduced to this song this weekend at a Satsong at my favorite yoga studio.  I think it brings it all home.  We all live the spirit we are, in the bodies we have.  Amen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LTYmFMQ-4A

Bristol, Bras, and Sexism in America

I had a near traumatic experience today in the lingerie department at Macy's.  Shopping for bras is not easy for me, nor is it for most women.  I wear an odd size, and do not get much sympathy from other women about my....curves.  I am not skinny.  I am not fat.  I am full of curves, some welcome, some not.

I found myself curious at the fact that I was nearing tears at one point during the process, until the sales woman came to the rescue.  She had found two bras in my size (yes, only two out of the racks and racks of bras in the department), and had also come up with an additional product to help with a certain issue.

Afterward, as I was driving to get my hair cut, I thought of Sarah Palin and her recent public stand against a joke by David Letterman this week.  I actually agree with Governor Palin in terms of not finding funny much of the casual debasement of women in our society.  In our culture, it's "funny" to make jokes about her daughter's teen pregnancy, while we also spend billions of dollars sexualizing women and over $1.5 billion on ineffective abstinence only education for teens. 

While it may be ironic or even amusing to some that Bristol Palin is a national spokesperson for abstinence, there is nothing funny about teen pregnancy.  Our lack of funding and willingness to look at effective programs to prevent teen pregnancy has helped cost 750,000 teens a year their innocence and changed their lives forever.  One thing that does concern me about Ms. Palin's abstinence spokesperson association is that the Candies Foundation, for which she is an Ambassador, focuses on abstinence for teen girls.  Last time I checked, it took a male and female to create a pregnancy.  In yet another subtle way, our society is enabling sexism to continue.

In her book, Abortion Rap, the late attorney and activist, Florynce Kennedy, wrote the now famous statement, "if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."  There are days when I really contemplate that statement, especially in light of current politics on the subject.  There remains a piece of this argument that is mired in sexism, even though it appears on the surface to be a religious issue.  When people tell me they are Christian, and that is why they don't believe in abortion, I discern whether or not that is the moment to let them know I am Christian, and pro-choice.  Not pro-abortion, pro-choice.  I believe that women are able and entitled to make that decision for themselves.  When we remove the choice, we are treating them as "less than" citizens.

And that's why I was almost near tears today for a short moment before I grabbed my brain by its wits and got a grip.  I do not look like any of the women on the tags or advertisements for bras.  Or underwear.  Or shirts or shoes for that matter.  They are all thin, smiling, air-brushed models, put there to make men salivate and women feel inferior.  And yet, we come in all shapes and sizes, all of us children of God.  There's a line I love from the movie, Saved, where the lead female character says, "If God wanted us all to be the same, why did he make us all so different?" 

Indeed, we are different.  We are men, we are women, we are trans.  We are straight, we are gay, we are bi.  We have bodies that are male, female, in between.  We are obese, we are anorexic, we are bulimic.  We are.  And God adores us each, no matter what bra size we wear.

Our Righteousness Is Killing Us

I'm over at Parenting by Strengths today, blogging on this topic!  Check it out!

Sex, Politics, and Religion

As you know from my previous post about SEAT, these things converge in my world.  I want to share with you an article running in today's Federal Way Mirror that I wrote, entitled: Our Righteousness Is Killing Us (click on the title to go to the online article, or open up your Mirror to page 4 if you live in Federal Way....).  I hope that by reaching a few more people, I can help spread some information and passion about the absolute necessity of our working together to provide our youth with comprehensive sexuality education.  And if you tire of this topic, no worries--I'll be back soon with more musings.....

SEAT

I had the incredible honor and privilege to be part of a group of faithful, religious communities joined in voice to promote comprehensive sexuality education last week in Washington, DC.

The 6th Annual SEAT (Sexuality Education Advocacy Training) was put on by the United Church of Christ, the Unitarian Universalist Association and the Union for Reform Judaism.  I am still processing, interpreting, coveting, and holding dear and discerning best ways to share all that I learned and experienced there. 

Aside from the fact that 40 of us came from literally all over the country (Washington State, Pennsylvania, Colorado, Florida, Ohio, Texas, New Mexico, California, Indiana, Delaware, Massachussetts, etc), the experience of joining together as people of faith to be a religious voice to our legislators about a topic so precious to me touches my heart deeply.

Lobbying was, how can I say this?  Way cool!!!!! Empowering, inspiring, patriotic....

Being in community with people who are intergenerational (lots of youth and young adults there with us older folks), interfaith, advocates for sexuality education of the comprehensive variety seemed to be a match made especially for me.  I love teenagers, I love my faith and learning about the faith of others, I love advocates and advocating, and I love sexuality education.  'Nuf said.

But what I really want to share is a prayer written and read by UUA Reverend Meg Riley at our closing time together.  You can go here for her post, and I am also including the text of her prayer below.  I hope it touches and inspires you like it did me.  And you can take that inspiration into action by contacting your legislators and asking them to support the REAL Act (Responsible Education About Life), which is legislation that would open up a federal funding stream for comprehensive sexuality education.  Please also ask that they DEFUND abstinence only education--those funds have already been allocated and must be defunded or they just keep on giving groups money to spread myths like HIV is spread through tears, and condoms failure rates are 30% (go here and here for some really entertaining presentation of some really startling information. 

Here's the prayer, with my blessings added to Reverend Meg's, and in conjunction with my faith community in supporting us all to be healthy, included in community with one another, and loved always.

Prayer for Wholeness

by Rev. Meg Riley. Inspired by the participants at the Sexuality Education Advocacy Training (SEAT), 2009. For more information about SEAT, see the SEAT FAQ.

Sweet source of hope and healing, longing and life,

We know our first responsibility is to create a world which supports the growth of our world’s children

A world safe for them to explore, and to learn and grow, without being judged or punished.

A world safe for them to make mistakes, knowing there is nothing they can do to lose our love.
May we provide them with tools to protect themselves and those they love from decisions which hurt—information about the physical, spiritual, emotional aspects of sexuality.

May they know it is safe for them to come to us always, and we won’t make it worse.

We wish that life were simple.
We wish that unwanted pregnancies never occurred,

That no one engaged in any kind of sexual activity without protection and real choice, real response-ability,

That all people were equally valued.

We wish that every person knew his or her own beauty and worth, and thus that of the others with whom she or he interacted.

A child I love dearly, aged ten, was struggling with gender identity.

“Do you ever feel,” I prodded gently, trying to understand, “as if you were born into the wrong body?”

The young one paused for a moment of silence, and responded, “Nope, this is my body all right. I feel like I was born into the wrong world!”

We pray that we can make this wrong world a little bit more right for our children.

May they know and cherish their own bodies as sacred, beautiful, true.
May we create a world which reflects this back to them.

May we demand schools, governments, communities, which honor them

And in so doing, be worthy of this gift of life, this beautiful broken world.

Amen.

Painting a Picture

I was the speaker at a service organization luncheon today, and after I gave my presentation on love languages and filling love/value buckets, there were questions.  One man said, "My sister's son told her he was gay.  How do you handle that?" 

I was in front of a group of mostly retired men, some of whom had hinted at connections with conservative points of view.  I was on the spot.  I talked about how personal a situation that was, and how it was important before responding to consider the importance of the relationship and how to preserve it. And then another woman raised her hand and saved the day.  Here is her story, paraphrased.  It was such a beautiful analogy, that I asked her if I could share it.  She agreed.

She said her son told her that he was gay.  She said that first, she had to mourn that he wasn't going to have the life she had thought he was. The picture she had painted about what his life would look like (the one she had concocted in her head and painted out, with details like a daughter-in-law and a big wedding with her as the mother of the groom) was just that--a picture she had painted.  She said in her process, she was able to leave that picture behind, and realize that her 22-year-old son needed to paint his own picture of what he wanted his life to look like.  And if she wanted to be in it, she needed to accept who he was.  She began to focus on all the things she loved about her son, and now, she says, his being gay is not what she would change about him.  She wishes he might get a job, since he was recently laid off.

I LOVE that story!  How many times in our lives do we paint pictures of how things are going to be--with our children, our spouses, our family members, co-workers, or friends--only to find out that we forgot to invite them to the painting party?  And then, we get disappointed or frustrated or angry because they are not cooperating with the image we have painted.  I think we all do that.  The trick is to realize we are there, pick up the paintbrush, and hand it over to the other person to update the painting.  If we stay stuck with our painting, we can miss what's going on in another room in the art gallery.

We may not be completely crazy about the new painting.  Perhaps it's modern art, and we prefer impressionism.  But, in our love for that person, and in the name of preserving important relationships, it's important that we find out as much as possible about modern art, and find what beauty we can in appreciating it, even if it isn't what we'd planned on seeing.  Even if it's not our cup of tea.

This can also be a great exercise to do with oneself.  What picture have you painted inside your mind about who you are?  Is there anything that you might need to update?  Let yourself off the hook for?  Be honest about?  Think of all the energy you could save not beating yourself up if your image of who you are and who you are look the same!

One last thought.  Have you ever been to one of those paint you own pottery places?  You purchase a blank piece of pottery and paint it, then leave it there to be glazed and fired and return to pick it up later.  It NEVER looks the same when you pick it up as it did when you left it.  The firing process changes all the colors.  If you are attached to how it looked when you left, you're sure to be disappointed.  But if you return with a spirit of curiosity and wonder at what the firing process has created, you are more likely to be happy with the result. 

Life happens.  Tragedy touches us.  Challenges engage us.  This is our firing process.  What vibrant colors are in your life because of this that weren't there before?  Look carefully, and celebrate.

Grocery Store Musings

Grocery stores are such interesting places.  As soon as I walked in, I was greeted by the two carts of on-sale Valentine merchandise, which wasn't unexpected.  It still bugs me that the Easter stuff was all out already--huge display--and that holiday is two whole months away.  How many peeps does one person need?

I was tired.  I started work early this morning after a long weekend away.  I worked late, and it was my turn to do the weekly store run.  Smartly, I thought, I decided to go to the store that's closest to my house instead of the one I usually go to.  This meant that, in my tired state, I criss-crossed the store several times to pick up things I missed on my first time down the aisles that are arranged differently than the store I usually go to.  Of course, the store I usually go to recently remodeled, so nothing is where it used to be there, either. 

I went to get in the check out line, remembered yet another thing I'd forgotten, and went back to get it.  When I returned, the line was much longer, so I stared spacily at the magazines commanding me to "Spring into Gorgeous" and "Look 7 Years Younger!"  Why 7?  Why not 10 or 5 or 8 or 6?  Then there were chapsticks decked out in sequined gowns (no kidding) promising me that my lips never needed to be naked again. 

I thought about the thoughtful discussions the group of teens in the sexuality education class my husband and I are facilitating have had about gender roles, and I was momentarily depressed.  Each of these point of purchase displays was geared toward women, giving not so subtle messages that we are not good enough the way we are.  As a child of the 70's and the women's rights movement, I'd love to think we're past all that.  Not so.  Sure, gains have been made, as evidenced by the nonchalant way a teen girl wearing yellow and black pants and sporting pink hair carried the milk out of the store.  I wished she were on the magazines, with a big headline saying "Be Yourself!  If you don't, who will?" instead of screaming at us to be more gorgeous, look more young, and have less naked lips.

I used to know a guy whose dad was part of the "You've Come A Long Way, Baby" campaign.  I agree that we have come a long way (even though that campaign was about getting more women to smoke....)  But, baby, we still have a long way to go.

I'm Gonna Let My Little Light Shine

I haven't felt very inspired since my last burst of inspiration near inauguration day....the flu bug hit our house and took my son down for the count for a good week.  It's been gray and wet, with a brief pretty covering of snow one morning.  I've been slogging away at my too long to do list....

And then this morning, in church, our choir sang "This Little Light of Mine," which in and of itself was...nice.  I hummed along and swayed.  But what caught my heart was looking across to a girl of about 10 in the front pew across from me (our pews are in the round currently).  She had her finger up in the air through the whole song, even as she colored her children's bulletin with her other hand, in a gesture used during some renditions of the song to show one's light is shining.  She was shining her little light during the whole anthem, quietly, joyfully (I saw her and her mom, who is in the choir, exchange smiles), and without it deterring her from her coloring task.

Wouldn't it be great if we could do that all the time?  Shine our little lights, not letting anyone blow them out, not hiding them under a bushel--just nonchalantly walk around letting our little lights shine, every day, in every way, as we go about daily tasks? 

Later this afternoon, we had the privilege of hearing two gentlemen on a panel regarding sexual minorities for our sexuality education class with 8th and 9th graders.  I realized that this "letting your light shine" thing is something I have taken for granted in certain areas of my life.  It hasn't been too traumatic for me to let my heterosexual woman self shine--at least it hasn't been a safety issue for me most of the time.  But for many in our society, it is.  To truly let their lights shine--to truly be who they are--has a huge cost.  It often costs them relationships, jobs, sometimes safety, and even lives.  Yet, one of our panelists said with absolute certainty in his voice, "If there were a pill to take to make me straight, I wouldn't take it.  I am finally comfortable with who I am."  He has learned to shine his light.

That's my challenge this week--to myself, and to you.  Let your light shine.  That pure light within you who is y-o-u.  Here are the words to one of my favorite songs (no, not the little light song...) that helps remind me:

May the longtime sun shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on

Guilty as Charged

Ann Coulter's been all over the radio the past couple of days--seems to be her forte to be loud and embroiled in controversy.  I haven't read her books--I'm sure from the excerpts I've read and the times I've heard her speak that it wouldn't be worth the drain on my peace of mind to give any more attention to her rants against liberals.

Here's an interesting point, though.  One of my favorite talk show hosts, Dave Ross, is probably the most impartial interviewer I've ever heard. Even though he admits he's got a liberal bent, he doggedly seeks out all sides of an issue.  So, when he was talking about Ms. C. and her apparent claim that liberals in our country have idolized single motherhood, which she says has in turn caused all sorts of problems, like fatherless children flooding the prisons, Mr. Ross had an interesting question.  He was willing to concede that single motherhood might not be the best situation in which to raise children.  His point was that he thought one of the interviewers ought to ask Ann's opinion on how to prevent single motherhood.   And I do have something to say about that subject, which I imagine would get me labeled "Guilty" by the woman who's made a name for herself by radical partisanship.

First of all, most of the women I know are not single mothers by choice.  I know there are women out there who do choose to be mothers on their own, creating life with donated sperm in order to have the experience, but they are not the majority.  Even so, it is their choice and right to do so, courtesy of women who have fought hard for equal rights--who, I dare say, are mostly "liberal."

Most of the women I know and know of are single parents due to one of two reasons:

1. They became pregnant unintentionally and decided to keep the baby.
2. They parted from their partner in some manner.
   

Dealing with #1, I, of course, adamantly support comprehensive sexuality education, and LOVE teaching it in church, with a Christian, sex-positive theology which does not shame youth, but educates them and helps them learn how to honor and take care of this part of their lives.  In addition, we teach about relationships, boundaries, decision-making and values, all of which I think need to be made as mandatory for graduation from high school as reading and math scores.  Certainly, having the knowledge about staying safe from pregnancy and disease, how to recognize, create and maintain healthy relationships, and how to make decisions about these crucial areas--has as much practical impact on a young person's life as their ability to name all 50 states, find the area of an isosceles triangle, or read and discuss Lord of the Flies.

While we won't guarantee an end to unwanted pregnancy by increasing mandatory comprehensive sexuality education, we certainly would see a continuation of a downward trend in pregnancy and disease from those who have been adequately and thoroughly educated.  Imagine charts, those of you in Washington State, that not only showed 4th, 7th, and 10th grade WASL score achievement in reading and math, but also showed teen pregnancy and disease rates per district. 

Regarding the second reason for single motherhood I mentioned, let's be real.  We do a lousy job in many parts of our culture of supporting people who decide to marry and/or have a child together.  Not only that, but well-meaning women too often find themselves in a relationship that ends up abusive in some way and make the choice to leave, with the children, for safety.  We aren't going to eradicate divorce or ending relationships in our society--do we really want to go back to a system where you can't leave no matter what?  In fact, I know of many women who come from unhealthy homes and repeat the pattern by leaving that home and becoming dependent on another unhealthy, but this time romantic, relationship, and end up financially and/or emotionally dependent on an abusive partner.  Should they not be encouraged to leave and start anew when they have the opportunity--even if they have a child? 

While I don't think we need to idolize single mothers, I also don't think we need to idolize two parent families just because they are two parent families.  What we need to do is support all children to have the best care they can have:  access to high quality health care, child care, and education, regardless of who their parents are.  Who knows?  They might even end up as President of the United States.