Diligent Joy Blog

Protect Who?

I am offended by the yard signs that have popped up in the last few days on the roadside in my neighborhood.  Urging people to reject Referendum 71 in our state is one thing, but with "Protect Marriage!  Protect Children!" as their tag line?  I don't think so.

First of all, the Referendum protects the rights the Washington legislature approved, which are commonly called the "Everything but marriage" provisions.  Domestic partnership is what is legal in Washington.  This provides protection for not only gay and lesbian couples, but also seniors in committed relationships who choose not to marry.

Protect marriage from what?  Those of us heterosexual couples who have the right to marry, since we do such a bang up job of it?  Current statistics put the divorce rate at between 45% and 49% of new marriages, depending on the source.  And since this law doesn't even have to do with marriage, this is a moot--well, actually, a very misrepresented point.

Protect children from what?  Parents in a committed relationship?    We need more of that, not less.  Being allowed to marry offers no guarantee that a couple will parent well.  Child abuse rates attest to that. Simply providing biological material to create a human being unfortunately carries with it no mandatory knowledge, wisdom, or commitment in caring for that being during or after pregnancy.  

What kind of protection is provided when a partner is forbidden from visiting a loved one dying in the hospital?  Whom does that protect? 

The question on the table is who is going to legislate what we believe?  Should the state deny rights to people simply because of their sexual orientation or living arrangements?  We need to approve Referendum 71 so we can protect people from the real issues on the table:  bigotry and hate.  I do agree with the opponents on one thing:  they are encouraging people to pray for Washington State.  Please do.  Let's join the folks in DC and elsewhere and Stand on the Side of Love, not hate and fear.  Contrary to what many on the dark side would lead you to believe, many Christians and Christian churches stand solidly on the side of equal rights for sexual minorities.

But you don't have to take my word for it.  Listen to Stephen Colbert.  Our state's fight made his national show last week.  Yes people, pray.  Pray hard for the people of Washington State.

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/252735/october-26-2009/the-word---don-t-ask-don-t-tell

Grace Among the Blackberries

I was picking blackberries the other day, and I got to thinking. Not native to our area, they are invasive, thorn-ridden pesty brambles that folks love to hate--except when they bear their annual fruit, at which time we all rush out to pick as many as we can to create delectable jams, cobblers, crisps and such.

As I navigated the thorns with bowl in hand, I began to think of the analogies with life.  Which parts do I look over, deeming them not good enough for my attention?  Which parts are not quite ready for my attention?  Which parts am I willing to make careful plans, go through thorns, and even put up with an injury or two to get at?  Which parts take me unaware?  Which parts are past any help?  Which parts stain my hands as I deal with them?  Which parts are sweet?  Sour?  Moldy?  Out of reach?  Hidden?

It's our attitude, I decided, that makes quite a difference in how we see things, be they blackberry bushes or life.  God created this plant, this life, and depending on our perspective (what's in it for me?), we see more prominently the thorns, the fruit, or the potential.

Fast forward to a meeting at church last night, where I was decidedly wearing thorn-colored glasses.  I vocalized my concerns, my complaints, my....issues.  This morning, as I was thinking about it, I was humbled.  I needed to take my own advice.  I was looking only at what was in the way and had forgotten to count my blessings.  I had forgotten that I am more than a body, more than a youth director, more than a congregant.  I am a Spirit, a Child of God, and I had momentarily lost my connection with that fruit and potential, only to be mired up in the thorny patch of "reality."

Reality is over-rated sometimes.  Or maybe I should say, what we define as reality is over-rated sometimes.  I am staring squarely at a choice of focusing on what could be or what is.  Byron Katie has done amazing spiritual work by living her belief of not only not resisting, but loving what is (she has a book by that name, by the way.....).   I can, as in so many situations in life, stay caught up in what I wish were true, what I think would be better or best, what I know could be only if....Or I can take stock of what is in front of me, practice gratitude, and move forward in grace.

This morning, I choose grace.  I've begun phone calls to let people know how I am grateful for them.  I am creating a new reality--one where I know I am Spirit in this body; much like our church is a place where God can hang out and inspire people to do Her work.  And I'm having blackberry cobbler for lunch.

A Little Slice of Heaven

Here's the thing.  I don't go to church much in the summer.  I spend time with my family relaxing, visiting, going to family (church) camp, and boating.  But I'm not often in that lovely sanctuary between mid June and September.

Today, I wake up.  There is laughter downstairs from my son and his friend.  I get up and make coffee, lunches, pack the cooler.  We are going on the boat.  The house is messy--leftover items from a swim meet are strewn on the stairs and in the entryway.  I don't care.

We get ready and are pulling out of our street in record time for us--8:12 a.m.  We drive down the freeway in the early morning quiet, casually discussing Harry Potter past and present.  We have two extra teen boys with us, for a total of four.  When we pull into the top of the boat launch, my husband sighs happily.  Glass on the water.

We put the boat in the water and drop off three teens to wait on the tube while we pull Eric for the first run, which he routinely takes, and then happily pulls everyone else the rest of the day.  I go next, doing a spectacular face plant on some errant waves, then have a fabulous run.  We take each of the boys, cheering as they get up, get in and out of the wake, do jumps and tail grabs, attempt and almost land a 360. 

We say hi to friends who live on the island on the lake.  We retrieve the tube, head to the cove and have lunch.  A pontoon boat full of young women comes by, loudly proclaiming it is one of their birthdays.  They entreat our boys to dance to the music we are playing.  They decline politely and sun bathe on the tube and back of the boat. 

We run our eldest back to the dock so he can go to work, then head back to the cove to retrieve the others and take them tubing on the now wavey lake.  They are laughing, bouncing, falling off.  I go to the front of the boat to sit and enjoy the ride. 

There is really nothing more wonderful I can think of to be doing on a gorgeous Saturday in the summer.  The zen of being in the moment, watching these guys laugh and play, hanging out with my family and friends, reading to them from a book that is interesting--connecting and laughing.  What more could I possibly want?

I don't go to church much in the summer.  Today, I am in heaven.

Bristol, Bras, and Sexism in America

I had a near traumatic experience today in the lingerie department at Macy's.  Shopping for bras is not easy for me, nor is it for most women.  I wear an odd size, and do not get much sympathy from other women about my....curves.  I am not skinny.  I am not fat.  I am full of curves, some welcome, some not.

I found myself curious at the fact that I was nearing tears at one point during the process, until the sales woman came to the rescue.  She had found two bras in my size (yes, only two out of the racks and racks of bras in the department), and had also come up with an additional product to help with a certain issue.

Afterward, as I was driving to get my hair cut, I thought of Sarah Palin and her recent public stand against a joke by David Letterman this week.  I actually agree with Governor Palin in terms of not finding funny much of the casual debasement of women in our society.  In our culture, it's "funny" to make jokes about her daughter's teen pregnancy, while we also spend billions of dollars sexualizing women and over $1.5 billion on ineffective abstinence only education for teens. 

While it may be ironic or even amusing to some that Bristol Palin is a national spokesperson for abstinence, there is nothing funny about teen pregnancy.  Our lack of funding and willingness to look at effective programs to prevent teen pregnancy has helped cost 750,000 teens a year their innocence and changed their lives forever.  One thing that does concern me about Ms. Palin's abstinence spokesperson association is that the Candies Foundation, for which she is an Ambassador, focuses on abstinence for teen girls.  Last time I checked, it took a male and female to create a pregnancy.  In yet another subtle way, our society is enabling sexism to continue.

In her book, Abortion Rap, the late attorney and activist, Florynce Kennedy, wrote the now famous statement, "if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."  There are days when I really contemplate that statement, especially in light of current politics on the subject.  There remains a piece of this argument that is mired in sexism, even though it appears on the surface to be a religious issue.  When people tell me they are Christian, and that is why they don't believe in abortion, I discern whether or not that is the moment to let them know I am Christian, and pro-choice.  Not pro-abortion, pro-choice.  I believe that women are able and entitled to make that decision for themselves.  When we remove the choice, we are treating them as "less than" citizens.

And that's why I was almost near tears today for a short moment before I grabbed my brain by its wits and got a grip.  I do not look like any of the women on the tags or advertisements for bras.  Or underwear.  Or shirts or shoes for that matter.  They are all thin, smiling, air-brushed models, put there to make men salivate and women feel inferior.  And yet, we come in all shapes and sizes, all of us children of God.  There's a line I love from the movie, Saved, where the lead female character says, "If God wanted us all to be the same, why did he make us all so different?" 

Indeed, we are different.  We are men, we are women, we are trans.  We are straight, we are gay, we are bi.  We have bodies that are male, female, in between.  We are obese, we are anorexic, we are bulimic.  We are.  And God adores us each, no matter what bra size we wear.

What are you going to do with them?

Wow, was I humbled, proud, and joyous this morning.  A young girl, who I have had the honor to have had in youth group, gave the sermon at church.  Kelsey is the daughter of a former pastor at our church, a woman named Sheryl Peterson, who died from complication of MS in 1996.

As Kelsey read scripture from The Message, I was struck with one line.  The scripture was from John 20, when Jesus appears to his disciples after his death on the cross.  He breathes the Holy Spirit into them, and in this translation then says, "If you forgive someone's sins, they're gone for good. If you don't forgive sins, what are you going to do with them?"

I laughed. 

What, indeed, are you going to do with them?

I  have also had the privilege this year to be studying A Course In Miracles with some spiritually-minded friends.  Much of what we and the course have discussed to date really is about forgiveness.  And so my heart leapt with lightness and joy and irony and "aha!" when I heard that scripture this morning.

How many times does our righteousness (and believe me, I love to be right....) help us keep a death grip on someone else's fault?  I mean, I know I'm right.  I've even said, sighing, "I wish I wasn't right about this, but...."  And what does it get me?  A burden, that's what.  A burden that I carry.  Feelings that do not promote love, forgiveness, and inner peace.

Notice that this is not about the other person.  Forgiving does not mean forgetting.  There are things and wrongs that should not be forgotten and that demand justice be served.  Still, if I do not forgive, what am I going to do with it?  In a sense, the person who has wounded us has passed the wound to us by their behavior, words, actions, whatever.  What are we going to do with it?  Help it fester by being right?  Irritate it into infection by rubbing it regularly with fear, hate, disappointment, anger and resentment?  Or are we going to heal it, by sending love and compassion to the wound, caring for the broken part of ourselves that we temporarily believe is less due to someone else's action?  And then, with love and clarity, let it go, in essence, giving it back to the person to deal with.  It was, after all, their action.

The choice is ours, freely given by Christ who blew Spirit into our ancestors centuries ago.  "If you forgive someone's sins, they're gone for good. If you don't forgive sins, what are you going to do with them?"

If you choose forgiveness, they are gone for good--from you.  If not, well, what are you going to do with them?

Our Righteousness Is Killing Us

I'm over at Parenting by Strengths today, blogging on this topic!  Check it out!

Relationship Roulette

Before church on an unusually sunny, crisp Sunday morning.  I am walking the dog, attempting to burn off the extra pounds that have crept on and keep me hovering just above a healthy BMI. 

I notice the birds chirping.  I feel the cold air on my cheeks.  I savor the sunshine.  As I navigate through the streets and hills of a neighborhood nearby, I see it.  The startling headline that reflects the breaking news I saw last night just before bed:  5 kids killed in Graham. 

This grabs my heart anew.  Again, my thoughts go to the family, the distraught aunt on TV who found the bodies, the tragedy of another apparent murder-suicide in a family.  The teen neighbor saying she wished she were surprised, but when she heard people were killed in her neighborhood, she knew it was them.  The mother, left, alone, alive.  Alive?  How long until she feels alive again?  My colleagues who work as school social workers in the district where five children will not show up Monday morning.

I take a moment to question my faith amidst the serenity of this jewel of a morning.  Why would God allow five children--children, God!--ages 7-16, to be slain by their father?  Why?  My mind searches for meaning, attempting to reconcile this horrible occurrence with my idea of a loving God.

I grasp at a scene in my memory from an old TV show called "Joan of Arcadia."  A teen girl sees God in many forms and is given assignments she doesn't understand, but which turn out to be for the best in the end.  She pleads with God for a glimpse of the bigger picture so she can understand.  When God complies, she is knocked unconscious by the enormity of the smallest of peeks into the whole enchilada.

I don't have the bigger picture, and yet, I am still....disappointed...in my God.  I watch an older man throw a toy for his dog into the small lake nearby.  I restrain my dog from chasing after him.  I feel the sun warm my back and remove my jacket.  I move to gratitude.  Thank you, God, for my family--for the teens asleep in their beds and for my loving, sane, practical, wonderful husband.  Thank you, God, that there is not violence in our home, nor are there firearms.  Thank you for this neurotic canine on the leash in front of, behind, in front of, behind me.

I see a family friend and his daughter out for a morning stroll.  We chat.  The dog jumps up his hellos on them.  We part.  My walking pod cast ends.  I remain saddened and grateful at the same time.  I see my reflection in the laptop as I sit down to write.  Sad.  Very sad.  Be with them all, God.  Be with us all, God.

Here is a link to a post on healthy relationships and signs of unhealthy ones.  http://www.parentingbystrengths.com/2008/08/6-ways-to-know.html

You all stay safe out there. 

Sex, Politics, and Religion

As you know from my previous post about SEAT, these things converge in my world.  I want to share with you an article running in today's Federal Way Mirror that I wrote, entitled: Our Righteousness Is Killing Us (click on the title to go to the online article, or open up your Mirror to page 4 if you live in Federal Way....).  I hope that by reaching a few more people, I can help spread some information and passion about the absolute necessity of our working together to provide our youth with comprehensive sexuality education.  And if you tire of this topic, no worries--I'll be back soon with more musings.....

SEAT

I had the incredible honor and privilege to be part of a group of faithful, religious communities joined in voice to promote comprehensive sexuality education last week in Washington, DC.

The 6th Annual SEAT (Sexuality Education Advocacy Training) was put on by the United Church of Christ, the Unitarian Universalist Association and the Union for Reform Judaism.  I am still processing, interpreting, coveting, and holding dear and discerning best ways to share all that I learned and experienced there. 

Aside from the fact that 40 of us came from literally all over the country (Washington State, Pennsylvania, Colorado, Florida, Ohio, Texas, New Mexico, California, Indiana, Delaware, Massachussetts, etc), the experience of joining together as people of faith to be a religious voice to our legislators about a topic so precious to me touches my heart deeply.

Lobbying was, how can I say this?  Way cool!!!!! Empowering, inspiring, patriotic....

Being in community with people who are intergenerational (lots of youth and young adults there with us older folks), interfaith, advocates for sexuality education of the comprehensive variety seemed to be a match made especially for me.  I love teenagers, I love my faith and learning about the faith of others, I love advocates and advocating, and I love sexuality education.  'Nuf said.

But what I really want to share is a prayer written and read by UUA Reverend Meg Riley at our closing time together.  You can go here for her post, and I am also including the text of her prayer below.  I hope it touches and inspires you like it did me.  And you can take that inspiration into action by contacting your legislators and asking them to support the REAL Act (Responsible Education About Life), which is legislation that would open up a federal funding stream for comprehensive sexuality education.  Please also ask that they DEFUND abstinence only education--those funds have already been allocated and must be defunded or they just keep on giving groups money to spread myths like HIV is spread through tears, and condoms failure rates are 30% (go here and here for some really entertaining presentation of some really startling information. 

Here's the prayer, with my blessings added to Reverend Meg's, and in conjunction with my faith community in supporting us all to be healthy, included in community with one another, and loved always.

Prayer for Wholeness

by Rev. Meg Riley. Inspired by the participants at the Sexuality Education Advocacy Training (SEAT), 2009. For more information about SEAT, see the SEAT FAQ.

Sweet source of hope and healing, longing and life,

We know our first responsibility is to create a world which supports the growth of our world’s children

A world safe for them to explore, and to learn and grow, without being judged or punished.

A world safe for them to make mistakes, knowing there is nothing they can do to lose our love.
May we provide them with tools to protect themselves and those they love from decisions which hurt—information about the physical, spiritual, emotional aspects of sexuality.

May they know it is safe for them to come to us always, and we won’t make it worse.

We wish that life were simple.
We wish that unwanted pregnancies never occurred,

That no one engaged in any kind of sexual activity without protection and real choice, real response-ability,

That all people were equally valued.

We wish that every person knew his or her own beauty and worth, and thus that of the others with whom she or he interacted.

A child I love dearly, aged ten, was struggling with gender identity.

“Do you ever feel,” I prodded gently, trying to understand, “as if you were born into the wrong body?”

The young one paused for a moment of silence, and responded, “Nope, this is my body all right. I feel like I was born into the wrong world!”

We pray that we can make this wrong world a little bit more right for our children.

May they know and cherish their own bodies as sacred, beautiful, true.
May we create a world which reflects this back to them.

May we demand schools, governments, communities, which honor them

And in so doing, be worthy of this gift of life, this beautiful broken world.

Amen.

Check out Wayside UCC blog today....

I'm over here: www.waysideucc.org, blogging about relationships....