Diligent Joy Blog

If Mama Ain’t Happy…You Know The Rest!

What mom isn’t looking for help to get her kids to toe-the-line, find time for herself and make her life go more smoothly? Wouldn’t it be great if moms had a place they could go to get a year’s worth of great advice and support for their endless and often thankless work in just one day?

That place exists and it’s called MamaCon - Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms [www.mamacon.net]. MamaCon, May 18 and 19, 2012, at the Bellevue Hilton, is the brainchild of Seattle area moms and parent educators Amy Lang and Kim Estes. 

Amy and Kim decided the time has come for a conference solely devoted to the “business” of motherhood. Here’s a taste of some excellent tips and advice from several of MamaCon’s amazing speakers and experts. 

Dr. Shirin Shirkat, Create Happy Kids, [www.createhappykids.com], tells moms to “say it only once and be heard” by using this magical sentence, “First, _________ then, ____________.”  For example,  “First eat your dinner, then you can have ice cream.” Keep this short, clear and concrete if you want it to be powerful and effective.

Sara Eizen, Nest Seattle, [www.nestseattle.com], helps moms go from “clutter to calm.” One of her best tips is to take the hanging rod out of the coat closet and install hooks instead. No more hangers and plenty of room to get all those coats and jackets put away.

Margit Crane, Gifted With ADD, [www.giftedwithadd.com] says moms need to understand sometimes your child is going to be like a “hot house flower.” Your child may need extra reminding, love, attention, support, reminding again and excessive cajoling. Do what they need to thrive. She says this is usually a passing phase and kids end up able to function well without mom’s intensive help.

Too tired for sex? Amy Johnson, Diligent Joy, [www.diligentjoy.com]suggests having a regular date with your spouse or partner and having sex before you go out for dinner or to the movies. Also, exploring your own sexuality holistically can help you and your relationship.

Kathy Slattengren, Priceless Parenting, [www.pricelessparenting.com] suggests using “silent self-talk” as the first step to moving from anger to empathy. All those snarky, sarcastic and downright mean things you sometimes say to try to motivate your kids? Feel free to think them all you want. Saying them won’t do anyone any good and certainly won’t get your kid moving. Silent self-talk allows you to vent and then connect with your child.

Some of our topics:

Life Strategies:

Solving the Dinner Dilemma: Stress-Free Cooking For Busy Moms - Make Ahead Mamas (Claudia Pettis, Deb Kapsner, and Maia Kelly)

Envy the Energizer Bunny? Sleep for the Exhausted Mama - Catherine Darley, ND

Vodka: It’s Not Just for Drinking  Jim Allen

Getting Your Groove Back: Sex for the Exhausted Mama - Amy Johnson

From Clutter to Calm - Sara Eizen

Motherhood, Money and Mayhem - Debbie Whitlock

The Momarchy: Take Your Life Back From Your Kids - Angela Toussaint

 

Parenting Strategies:

Raising Resilient Kids- Avoiding Praise Junkies! - Sarina Behar Natkin

Turn It Off!  Tips and Tools for Parenting in the Age of Technology - Ann Hungar Steel

Chores Without Challenge - Patricia Nan Anderson

Turning Anger to Empathy: Responding to Misbehavior with Empathy - Kathy Slattengren

Creating Grateful Kids - Shirin Shirkat

That Would Never Happen to MY Daughter! - Kelly Marquet

Picky Eating: It’s Not Your Fault! - Matthew Amster-Burton

With over 50 parenting and life speakers and experts, including Rosalind Wiseman, New York Times best selling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, free mini-spa treatments, wine tasting, a comedy show and Seattle Mom Prom [www.seattlemomprom.com] local moms will get just what they need to be happier, savvier mamas.

If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy and MamaCon [www.mamacon.net] is all about creating happy moms!

 

Bellevue Hilton

300 112th Avenue SE

Bellevue, Washington   98004

 

Marketplace Preview and Kick-Off Cocktail Party!

Friday, May 18, 2012 - 3PM to 9PM

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!

 

MamaCon - Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms

Saturday, May 19, 2012 - 8AM (registration) to 12PM

 

Tickets! Use Code MCNSPEC  for $20 off.

 

www.MamaCon.net

info@MamaCon.net

425-522-2417

 

 

STD Awareness Month: Info and Resources

Article link here!

http://www.federalwaymirror.com/opinion/146371785.html

Making time for you

Every day has 24 hours.  We all get the same amount of time, every single day.

Every week has 168 hours.  We all get the same amount of time, every single week.

How much do you spend replenishing? 

If you're like many parents I know, you don't even get enough sleep.

I challenge you to find two hours a week that are just for you to replenish. You can spend the other 166 hours working, taking care of the house, the kids, the committees, etc.  When I put it that way, it doesn't seem like too much to ask.

Perhaps this means you sleep in at least one day a week.  Or you go out with friends one time a week.  You could read something enjoyable for 30 minutes every day.  Maybe you take a yoga class or a fun zumba class every week.  Maybe you go to the library and sit by yourself and look at gardening magazines.

Here are the rules:

1.  It must be something that replenishes you--something you don't usually take time for right now that would make your heart sing a little bit.

2.  You need to schedule it.  I've never met a parent yet who had left over time.  Not only that, but you need to put it in your calendar first and schedule all that other stuff that's never gonna go away around your time for you.

3.  It can't be kid-related.  No scrapbooking, or shopping for them or making stuff for them.

4.  No TV or internet.  Television is a zone out activity. It doesn't relax you or rejuvenate you.  Different brain activity involved with watching TV or surfing the net.

5.  If you schedule over it because the doctor you've been trying to get in to see for 6 months can only schedule you at the time you have set aside, you have to put it back in your calendar in the same week.

Think of it as an experiment.  How will taking care of mommy's or daddy's need to replenish affect the family?  How will prioritizing that over someone else's "wants" change things in our family? 

Do it for a month and chart the pros and cons.

Your children deserve parents whose needs are met.  And that's your job.

 

Join Our Email List Email:

MamaCon!

I'm super excited about MamaCon--it's a conference in Seattle, all about Moms!

TED style mini-workshops, comedians, Seattle Mom Prom, and keynote speaker Rosalind Weisman!  Not only that, but there will be an amazing marketplace, as well as expert panels so you can ask all your tough parenting questions in between workshops.  

Do check it out--I'm so excited to be involved with the amazing Amy Lang of Birds+Bees+Kids and Kim Estes of Savvy Parents Safe Kids--and so many more incredible professionals on our team.  

I hope you'll join us!  Sign up now and reserve your spot for the event of the year!!!

Diets and Kindergartners?

Is Your Kindergartner too young to diet?

http://www.federalwaymirror.com/opinion/129747868.html

Yoga kicked my butt today.  Ok, mostly my quads.  I hadn't been there in 3 weeks due to vacation, conflicts, etc., so I was more than ready to attend my regular Thursday morning yoga class filled with familiar faces, greet the instructor I've had for nearly 10 years, and enjoy the yoga routine I had missed.

There was a sub.

I walked in right as class was starting, so I quickly unrolled my mat, glancing around at...NO familiar faces in the room.  I had a moment of wondering if I'd the entire schedule had changed while I was gone--but it's just summer, and my instructor and over three-quarters of the regulars were on vacation.

Just as I was forming unconscious opinions about all of this, the new instructor invited us to let go of all we came into class with, including any thoughts or opinions.  Huh.  Let go of my opinions?  I decided to give it a go for the next 75 minutes.  It turned out not to be that hard. There was so much new and unexpected in the class that it took all I had for me to breathe and stay present.  Which turned out to be an awesome way to spend 75 minutes on a Thursday morning.

I've been CEO of "hit-the-ground-running enterprises" this week.  Upon return from our vacation, we literally left the van and boat, still packed to the gills, on the street while we rushed inside our house to quickly shower, change, and head off to a wedding.  The next day, we attended a special worship service and picnic at church, involving the Marshall Islands congregation who also uses our space.  Monday was all about the final preparations for a two-day retreat I was leading Tuesday and Wednesday for 32 teenagers.  I remarked that I felt like I had been sauntering through the airport and suddenly stepped on the moving walkway going at a much quicker clip.  It was all wonderful, celebratory, positive, life-giving stuff, and because I'd had an amazing vacation, I had energy and a great attitude with which to participate in it all. Still, I was more than ready to go to yoga this morning.

I am blessed to live a very full life--full of family, a stellar spouse, friends, engaging and meaningful work, spiritual growth, and a really fabulous dog.  What I've learned about myself (again) this month is how important it is to schedule down time; to give ourselves time to process and integrate all the blessings in our lives.

Saturday, our family will climb back in our van, which this time will be filled with the contents of one son's room to be moved across the state into a dorm.  What a marvelous opportunity to take time to integrate some of what our family has been and to dream about what it is growing into. 

The feeling of letting go of the last child is similar to the feeling I had when I walked into yoga this morning.  I don't know what to expect, but I trust the being in charge to guide me in a direction that will nourish my body, mind, and soul.  I just need to stay present and breathe.  And hope my quads will hold out.

 

Ten Terrific Tips, cont.

Last time, I talked about the importance of sleep, staying positive, and screen time, among other things.  Remember, for more information on each of the tips, you can download the entire booklet for FREE from my blog

Tips, cont.

Tip #6:  Monitor your teens.  Don’t fall into the idea that because they can legally stay home alone they should be unsupervised all summer.  Check out the research in the booklet.

Tip #7:  What are we gonna do?  Boredom has its benefits.  Find out what they are here and avoid rescuing your child when you could help them develop needed skills.

Tip #8: Being Available.  Work on sitting down and being available when your child comes in the room.  Even if it’s for a few minutes, the rewards can be priceless.

Tip #9: Play together.  Find things you all enjoy doing as a family and invest in them

Tip #10: But it went so fast…..Consider an end of summer scrap book activity with the whole family to hang on to favorite memories.

So that’s it!  Ten tips to help you make the most of the rest of the summer.  Enjoy!

The importance of saying goodbye

This week has been especially emotional for me. We are in what some call the "endless summer" before our youngest goes off to college in a little over a month. To me, this summer is passing by with the swiftness of high speed trains in Europe and Japan.

Thursday, we had our final home meet of summer swim team. Final of the swim season, and final of this season of our lives. Senior recognition is a tradition, and as the final four of the eight outstanding young men who've been recognized this season stood on the blocks, I was teary. My son stood listening to the memories and the words he helped craft for this moment he'd been thinking about all summer. He breathed deeply and noticeably as he looked around at all who were there in support.

We've been members of the team for 13 years, practically his entire childhood. To say goodbye to this experience is tough, and yet, it is time. I am a firm believer in saying a good and proper goodbye to things in life so that I can say hello to what is next. I am giving myself a year to figure out what is next, but right now, it is the season of goodbyes. I accepted hugs, "good job"s, listening ears, and toasts after the meet with wine in plastic cups (no glass allowed on the pool deck!). I breathed too; sad, happy, relieved, and aware that our time on this team is drawing rapidly to a close. We will join the alumni who have come before us and now show up to hugs and smiles to catch up at future home meets. It will be good, but not the same.

The next evening, we carried on another tradition by seeing the last Harry Potter movie. The final movie, fittingly arriving on the final summer of our family in this configuration, was enjoyed by all of us together plus a few friends. I loved the film, and found myself unexpectedly pitched into another grieving moment at the end, when the characters that we have watched grow up now appear as the parents of their children, whom they are sending off to Hogwarts for the first time. I reached for my husband's hand next to mine, and found him wiping a tear, as well. Yes, it's important to say goodbye.

I don't always like this part—it can be painful, and I run out of Kleenex and find myself in tears at unexpected moments. People pity me at times, and I really don't need pity—just time to say goodbye, in my way, to this era in our lives, so that I can make room for what is next.

What is next promises to be wonderful—reconnecting with the love of my life, travel, more time for friends and family, a growing business that I love. It's just that today, I am saying goodbye. So, if you see me in tears, rest assured that I am ok. I am honoring the completion of a huge part of family life. They are tears of joy, of relief, of memory, of sadness for friends lost and folks who haven't made it this far, of gratitude for support and teamwork and villages. They are good tears, and they are mine. I have earned them. Give me a hand on my shoulder, offer a toast, and be willing to be patient while I live through the transition. That is a gift for which I will always be grateful.

Summer Down Time

I talked to a parent recently who told me it was a challenge for her and her husband to allow their teenager/young adult to lie around for a few days between the end of school and the beginning of his summer job.  While we both agreed that relaxing should include the cleaning of any dishes dirtied and clothes worn, our comfort levels around the allowing of “doing nothing” were different.

 

I have become a big fan of letting normally active children and teens “do nothing” every now and then.  Many children and teens today have packed schedules, some causing so much stress that youth lose sleep or get ill. 

 

I’m not saying we should let our youth sit around all summer and play video games, watch TV and surf the net.  However, if they are normally active and have activities or a job pending this summer, go ahead and allow some down time.  You still need parameters around safety—what is and isn’t allowed, what supervision is required (varies with age), when check-ins are required.  You can till have rules that need to be followed—leave the house in as good or better shape than it was when you awakened, etc.  But resist the urge to micro manage their time.

 

In yoga, we spend the last few minutes in chavasana, or corpse pose.  We lay quietly on our backs in total relaxation.  There is a purpose to every pose in yoga, and the purpose of chavasana is to take time to integrate the work one has done for one’s body during the previous 65-70 minutes of class.

 

I like to think of down time in the summer, on vacations, on the weekends, as a kind of chavasana—a time to integrate that which we’ve done the previous year, the previous week, etc  Rather than a luxury or an indulgence, it’s a necessary part of the process of living and growing.  And, like all things, it, too, must come to an end so we can move on to the next thing.

 

Allow your children, teens, and yourself some mental, physical and emotional chavasana this summer.  Relax, renew, and ready yourself for what lies ahead.

 

 

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Seven "Spank-tacular" Alternatives

Parents often wish they had more tools in their toolboxes, especially when it comes to spanking.  Here are some tried and true tactics for helping kids learn to follow rules—you just need to decide which one is best for you in any given situation.

1.    Time Out:  The first thing to know about time-out is whether your child needs it or you do.  If it’s your child, read on.  If it’s you (you’re so fed up you’re likely to do something you’ll regret), see tip #6.  Time out is most effective when it’s used to interrupt a behavior and/or when the child is old enough to think about what he or she has done (ages two and up).  Use time out calmly, and tailor the length of time to the child’s age:  no more than one minute per year of age.  A five-year-old has a five-minute time out.  A ten-year-old, 10 minutes. 
2.    Time In:  Time In is a technique that seeks to prevent and to teach, using four methods: Ask, Act, Attend, and Amend.  (Thanks to Jean Clarke for this information).  Use “ask” to help a child remember the rule.  Ex:  “What is our rule about throwing things?”  “What is our rule about hurting others?”  Use “act” when you need to take action.  This might look like moving a child to a safe place to finish his temper tantrum.  Use “attend” when you know the child is in need of some attention that will help his or her behavior.  Perhaps you will notice when they are on-task or sharing.  Use “amend” when damage has been done to someone or something.  Attend to the hurt child first, and then engage the offender. Ex:  Calmly say, “Look at Jacob’s arm.  It’s red where the block hit him. You need to make amends.”  Depending on the age and ability of the child, he or she can decide (with your approval) what to do. If they are very young, you might say, “Go get the cold pack from the freezer so he can put it on his arm.”  With amends, you help the offender decide what to do to make things better, help him or her do it, and move on.  Be careful of demanding a verbal apology.  This can lead to insincerity and sometimes, frankly, isn’t enough.
3.    Privilege loss:  If the child has abused a privilege, such as throwing a toy, he or she can lose the privilege of playing with the toy away for a time period.  If he or she doesn’t turn off the TV or computer when you say to, you can take away that privilege for a time, as well.  With early childhood, use an hour or the afternoon.  For older elementary, try again the next day.
4.    Natural Consequence:  If it won’t cause harm, you can let the natural consequence take place.  A child who refuses to wear a coat might be cold during an outing.  A child who doesn’t do his homework might have a displeased teacher or get a poor mark in school. 
5.    Thinking Time:  This is a version of time out where you engage the child after they have had time to think and calm down.  Ask:
a.    What happened?
b.    Why do you think it happened? and
c.    What can you do differently so that it doesn’t happen again? 
It’s important to listen and to problem-solve if you use this technique.  For children under five, ask for two alternatives.  After age five, typically developing children can usually come up with three acceptable alternatives.
6.    Take a break:  If you’re the one who’s losing your cool, it might be time for you to up your self-care, take a break, and recharge.  Whether that means a long bubble bath by yourself, a night out with friends, or date night with your partner, find a way to make it happen.  Everyone will benefit.
7.    Learn about Development:  Many parenting struggles come from not knowing what to expect at each age.  Knowing what’s natural, what’s helpful for parents to do, and what you can say can go a long way to smoothing the ride.  For more information, check out these resources   Growing Up Again, How Much Is Enough?, Is This a Phase? and Kids Can Cooperate.

For more information about any of these techniques, contact me for a free consultation to see if parent coaching is a fit for you!