Diligent Joy Blog

Intentional Insight

Gray, rainy, November morning.  I took heed of the insights gained at the yoga retreat this weekend and spent some quiet time this morning, before coffee.  My friend Suzy says that's when the veil between the conscious and subconscious is thin, allowing us to get some new messages into the perpetual tapes that run in our brains.  (Ok, I added the part about the coffee.  She's a tea person, all the way).

I lovingly scooped up the dog to put him in his dreaded harness with the scary leash to go on a walk. He loves walks--he just really resists the harness and leash.  We went up "the big hill" today.  At the top, there is a lovely view of Puget Sound and even downtown Seattle, 20 miles off into the distance. 

"Ahhh," I thought.  "This is good. We need both."  We need to have a vision off into the distance of our lives, and also to handle what is right in front of us.  Both need attention.  If we only pay attention to what is off in the future, we lose the present moment.  And if we only handle what is right in front of us, we run the risk of burning out and feeling apathetic because we've lost our vision. Or worse, we might not even go on the walk because of the scary, dreaded leash.

Faith and action, together.  That's the key to balance.  But it starts with being quiet enough, and taking time enough to even be able to think like that and notice what's going on in your brain, your intentions, your life.

So, my tip today, on linked in, and facebook, and here, is this:  spend a few quiet moments and discern your intention for today.  Then for this month.  Then for this year.  Then go have your coffee (or tea) and get on with your day.

Namaste.

Blowin' in the wind....

This morning, I was excitedly sharing with my spiritual support group about Breakfast with Buddha--a novel I've found beautiful in places.  I was talking about how I loved the joy in the book and the focus on love as what "makes go the world."  It reminded me of the button I had in college that said, "Love is the answer.  Now, what was the question?"

A character in the novel also describes God as music that is always playing--beautiful music--yet, not everyone can hear it.  Not everyone is listening.  With a clear mind, it is easier to listen; with a clear mind, it is easier to know that love is what makes the world go around. 

Fast forward to the dinner hour, where, in the midst of my realizing I'd started it quite late, my son arrives and announces the dog has just had an accident.  This particular rescue pup is prone to anxiety-induced random pees every once in awhile...While I deftly get the dog elsewhere, complete the stages of dinner that results in getting it into the oven, and clean up the accident, I ponder how to keep a clear mind.  Just as I am taking a deep breath and reminding myself that my stress level is really my choice at the moment, my son wonders out loud what type of candy he should dress up as tomorrow for spirit week.  I jokingly suggest he tie a pillow case over his head and go as a tootsie pop.  Just the visual makes me laugh out loud, especially when I realize he can't see with a pillow case over his head and would be running into God knows what all day.

Then I start to think, what kind of mother would think that's funny?  A human one.  One that is thankful for the Hurricane of Grace that surrounds her, even when she is not listening.  The air is dense with the aroma of dinner in the oven.  The dog has settled for a nap on the couch.  The son is ensconced in Spanish homework.  Perhaps I am hearing a note of that beautiful music after all.

Blinded by the light....

I took a walk bright and early yesterday, as it was the first day of school for one son, and I was up anyway.  I have to admit that my intentions of walking more regularly this summer did not manifest as I had hoped.  I simply didn't take the time to get myself out the door first thing in the morning, which is when I need to go or it just doesn't happen.

As I felt the familiar rhythm of my feet on the pavement, my mind began to settle, and what usually happens began to happen:  I remember stuff I need to do.  So, there I was, at 6:30 in the morning, on a beautiful late summer day, coming up with an acronym so I could remember all the stuff I needed to do when I got back home.  It wasn't very relaxing--more anxiety producing, because I began to worry I would forget all the stuff I was remembering.

As it was dawning on me that I was likely undoing any benefit from the walk by increasing my anxiety, I turned the corner, literally.  Then, as I was blinded by the angle of the bright sun, I noticed that the pavement seemed to be glittering, much like Edward does in the Twilight movie when he reveals his grotesque beauty to Bella (it took Stephanie Meyer to enlighten us that vampires don't necessarily burn up in the Pacific Northwest sunlight--they just glitter).  Anyway, at that moment, I turned the corner figuratively as well, realizing that I really could enjoy my walk, and it was the relaxed mind that remembered better than the anxious one.

Today, on the radio, I heard a new song by Francesca Battistelli, and some of the lyrics grabbed me:

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

Now, this cute young thing is all of about 20, but still, I loved the message.  It's ok that I'm not perfect--in fact, God wants me to be me.  And the dents in my fenders and rips in my jeans just mean I've been engaging in life. 

It's like when my dear grandmother had cataract surgery a few years ago.  I called to see how she was doing.  "OK," she sighed.  "What's wrong?" I asked.  "Well," she said, "now that I've had the surgery, I can see how many wrinkles I have!"  "Grandma," I said sincerely and with as much love as I could infuse in my voice, "you've earned every one of those beautiful wrinkles.  They are your wisdom lines." 

Now, I am growing my own wisdom lines, and they come with a few dents and rips and aches in other areas.  I like to think this means I am living my life well, and using it up.  I can't take it with me, so I might as well give what I've got while I'm here, and enjoy as many moments as I can.  I'm pretty sure God would want that.  I just need to keep the faith that temporary blindness can make way for clear vision.

Read about things falling apart.....

on my blog at www.waysideucc.org.

Everything I Need to Know About Life, I Learned in a Boat....

For someone who spent a lot of her growing up years amidst corn fields in the midwest, I now spend a fair amount of time in and around water.  Especially in the summer, when our family takes to our old ski boat turned wake-board boat, I am often more wet than dry on a given day.

This year, like many before, we have made the trek East to warmer temps (well, except for that record-breaking heat wave in Seattle that we missed by being in Idaho), warmer water, and relaxing days on the boat.  Our second week of vacation this year included six teen boys, ranging in age from 16 to almost 20--from a junior in high school to two college sophomores.  They are the nicest guys--their niceness punctuated by some rude and crude and politically incorrect moments, laughter, encouragement, and lots of snacks and energy drinks.

As we hit the water today (you go first, Amy!--no one else wanted to be first in the cold river....), I was struck by what an analogy for life our boat can be.  We have had a full boat this week, so the weight of all these big guys needs to be distributed evenly for smooth rides.  We hope for calm water (in boating terms, "glass") but sometimes get waves and wind--or both in the same ride.  We have people watching who is behind the boat, to encourage, clap or cheer when they've done something new, and hold the flag up when they fall to signal to other boats there's a person down.  We have a tower to help wake boarders be more successful in their endeavors, and a bimini for shade.  We have soap to make it easier to get the boards on, and we patiently change the rope length depending on who's turn it is.

Sometimes, a few of us have to sit out so someone can take a run without so many of us in the boat.  We all wear life jackets when we get in the water, and we wear sunscreen in the sun.  We bring snacks and drink along for the ride, and share towels when one of us is wet and cold.  Sure, there are cranky moments, but by and large, we are a big team-family on the boat, all working to help each other be successful and have fun.

I was thinking how great it would be if everyone had this in their lives more of the time--life jackets when getting in rough water, a flagger to alert others when they need to maneuver more carefully around your friend.  People to cheer when you try something new, and cool drinks and snacks for when we need a break.  How nice it would be if we could all prevent ourselves from getting burned and if we could get out of the heat whenever we needed to.  I was thinking that, if we were all there for each other a little more, how much more relaxing life might be, even when the water gets a little rough, or there's an unexpected gust of wind and your life doesn't handle quite as well as it does when the water is flat calm.

My favorite quote of all times is from Mother Theresa, and it happened to be on the N-Sid-Sen camp shirts this year:  We do not do great things, only small things with great love.  The more we put love into the small details of life, the richer and lovelier it is.  The more we surround ourselves with an encouraging team, the easier it is to get through the challenging times. So, today, I have a wish for you:  May you always have a life jacket when you need one, a flagger to provide support and safety, and a loving team you've chosen to be in your boat, no matter what the weather conditions.

Grace and Gratitude

Savoring the moment is one of the characteristics associated with life satisfaction, along with gratitude.  There are few things I savor more than a sunny summer morning.

Where I live, these are relatively rare.  This year, though, we've had an abundance of them, and I have found myself beginning to take them for granted.  This morning, though, I took my coffee outside to our gazebo to simply sit and be with the morning.

I love the sound of the birds, busy already with their bird business.  I love the sunlight and shadows on the deck and how the sunlight shimmers off the worn screens on the back of our house.  I love the absence of people noises and the temperature and density of the air.  Up here in the Pacific Northwest, even summer morning air is cool and full of dew, and on occasion, the clean, salty smell of the Puget Sound. God's grace seems to abound.

I love noticing the contrasts between light and shadow, cool air and warm coffee, quiet and chirping.  For some reason, on mornings like this, I find it easy to sit and "do nothing" for quite a while.  But am I really doing nothing?  Or am I taking time to notice, observe, savor the world around me?  Something that I rarely do in the busy-ness of most days.

In my spiritual readings last week, the focus was on gratitude.  I love gratitude!  Gratitude can change my attitude from cranky and annoyed to centered and peaceful in a relatively short period of time.  Cultivating gratitude is worth the time and effort to learn.  A line from the reading struck me:  God is grateful for you.  I had not taken that perspective before.  I have been grateful for all God has given and done--but to think that God is grateful for me?  Really?  But I'm so imperfect. 

The ideas shared went on to claim that God has created us, and we are savor-able and worthy of His/Her gratitude because we exist.  If we have caveats to that grace, then we are not forgiving ourselves or someone else.  Wow.  God's gratitude seems to be as unconditional as Her/His love.

I find myself approaching this concept slowly, catching glimpses of it from time to time, testing to see if it could really be true, peeking around corners to see if it's still there.  I have a feeling that it's much like a sunny summer morning:  full of delight and there for my savoring, if only I will take the time.   

5 Parts of a Job

I'm recently back from a trip to Minneapolis, MN, to participate as staff for a leadership training facilitated by Jean Illsley Clarke.  I am honored to call Jean my mentor, colleague, and very dear friend, not to mention birthday twin.  Being with her for a week in the capacity of staff at one of her trainings was a privilege, and I am still integrating all the learning. 

Fast forward to our house this summer.  With one son home from college (where, apparently, "they do everything for you") and another focused on friends and fun, chore completion has been a challenge. Since last week's  leadership training was about overindulgence, I gained a lot of support and insights into ways I can be clearer about preventing myself from the 3 ways parents (and others) overindulge children and teens.  This information is based on years of research. The three ways parents (usually inadvertently) overindulge are:

1. too much (stuff, activities),
2. over nurture (doing too much for them) and
3. soft structure (not setting enough limits). 

No one I know intends to harm their children or teens by overindulging them, yet the research is pretty clear that providing too much, doing too much, and not setting enough limits can have an unintentional negative impact on adult functioning.  Adults who were overindulged as children can lack needed skills, have a skewed perspective on their importance, and have difficulty with the concept of "enough."

Here's a keeper phrase from the week:  "The intent doesn't match the impact."  We often intend to help, do a favor, lessen pain.  Yet, the impact can be learned incompetence, which no parent I know intends to be a result of their parenting.

Back to chores....here's a tool I found very helpful:  the five parts of a job.  Check it out:

1. What is the job? 
2. What skills are required to complete the job?
3. Do the job.
4. Finish the job.
5. Clean up any stuff/equipment/gear required to do the job.

I don't know about you, but I think this is Genius!!!  How many battles could be prevented if we came to a decision about exactly, in behavioral and descriptive terms what the job is?  Example:  Clean room = toys picked up, clothes put away, desk straightened, floor vacuumed, bed made.

But wait, there's more!  What skills are required?  Well, one needs to be able to pick up toys, put clothes in a hamper, hang up clothing, put clean clothes in a drawer, sort school papers, etc....depending on the age of one's child, of course.

And then, one needs to do the job.  If your child is very young, or any time someone is learning a new skill, training time will most likely be required.  Plan for that.  Do it with them.  Show them what you mean.

But we're not done yet!  One needs to finish the job.  To do this, parent and child need a mutually shared definition of what it means to be done.  Does the floor need to be clear?  Do all toys need to be in bins?  Do books need to be on a shelf?  Does the rug need to be vacuumed?  The bed made?  How well?  Is there a time frame for completion? If this is an area that needs work at your house, see how working with this concept effects results.

Finally, one needs to put the job tools away. Again, a mutually shared definition helps.  Do you have to put the vacuum back in the closet if your brother still needs to vacuum another room?  Do you need to put the dishes on the counter, in the sink, or in the dishwasher?  During training, it can be helpful for adults to go around with the young person to observe, "I see the hose is still in the grass.  Reel it in please."  Or, "I see dishes still on the counter.  When you put them in the dishwasher, you will be done."

I don't guarantee miracles, yet I hope it is a tool for clarity--a way for parents to set up chores for more successful and effective outcomes, and most importantly, a blueprint for teaching children how to do them competently. I don't know about you, but I'm all for competence in children and youth.  And adults.  Let's try this out:

Job:  Self-care
Skills required:  Ability to set boundaries and create time for myself
Do the job:  Take a bubble bath, read a book, take a walk, etc.
Finish the job:  Do not allow interruptions (other than true emergencies involving blood or fire) while participating in self-care.
Put stuff away:  Drain the tub, put marker in book, put walking shoes away.

Ahhhhh.  Well done!

Bristol, Bras, and Sexism in America

I had a near traumatic experience today in the lingerie department at Macy's.  Shopping for bras is not easy for me, nor is it for most women.  I wear an odd size, and do not get much sympathy from other women about my....curves.  I am not skinny.  I am not fat.  I am full of curves, some welcome, some not.

I found myself curious at the fact that I was nearing tears at one point during the process, until the sales woman came to the rescue.  She had found two bras in my size (yes, only two out of the racks and racks of bras in the department), and had also come up with an additional product to help with a certain issue.

Afterward, as I was driving to get my hair cut, I thought of Sarah Palin and her recent public stand against a joke by David Letterman this week.  I actually agree with Governor Palin in terms of not finding funny much of the casual debasement of women in our society.  In our culture, it's "funny" to make jokes about her daughter's teen pregnancy, while we also spend billions of dollars sexualizing women and over $1.5 billion on ineffective abstinence only education for teens. 

While it may be ironic or even amusing to some that Bristol Palin is a national spokesperson for abstinence, there is nothing funny about teen pregnancy.  Our lack of funding and willingness to look at effective programs to prevent teen pregnancy has helped cost 750,000 teens a year their innocence and changed their lives forever.  One thing that does concern me about Ms. Palin's abstinence spokesperson association is that the Candies Foundation, for which she is an Ambassador, focuses on abstinence for teen girls.  Last time I checked, it took a male and female to create a pregnancy.  In yet another subtle way, our society is enabling sexism to continue.

In her book, Abortion Rap, the late attorney and activist, Florynce Kennedy, wrote the now famous statement, "if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."  There are days when I really contemplate that statement, especially in light of current politics on the subject.  There remains a piece of this argument that is mired in sexism, even though it appears on the surface to be a religious issue.  When people tell me they are Christian, and that is why they don't believe in abortion, I discern whether or not that is the moment to let them know I am Christian, and pro-choice.  Not pro-abortion, pro-choice.  I believe that women are able and entitled to make that decision for themselves.  When we remove the choice, we are treating them as "less than" citizens.

And that's why I was almost near tears today for a short moment before I grabbed my brain by its wits and got a grip.  I do not look like any of the women on the tags or advertisements for bras.  Or underwear.  Or shirts or shoes for that matter.  They are all thin, smiling, air-brushed models, put there to make men salivate and women feel inferior.  And yet, we come in all shapes and sizes, all of us children of God.  There's a line I love from the movie, Saved, where the lead female character says, "If God wanted us all to be the same, why did he make us all so different?" 

Indeed, we are different.  We are men, we are women, we are trans.  We are straight, we are gay, we are bi.  We have bodies that are male, female, in between.  We are obese, we are anorexic, we are bulimic.  We are.  And God adores us each, no matter what bra size we wear.

Time Management

Yesterday, I went to a presentation on time management, where the woman who presented wisely told us the goal of good time management is to have more time to do the things we enjoy most.  Aha number 1.  I was thinking that it was so I could feel more organized, which I enjoy, but not quite as much as vacations in sunny, warm places, a good yoga class, or time with friends.

She also said that in order to do this, our goal should be to have only 50% of our time scheduled in any given day, and to spend 2-5% of our day planning for each of next week, next month, the next 6 months, the next 2 years, the next 5 years, the next 10 years.  Aha number 2. Perhaps this was why I was feeling perpetually in a hurry and behind lately.  A couple of us rattled off our stacked schedules for the day.  She reminded us if we did that on a regular basis, there was no room for any errors, for anything to go wrong, or to handle unexpected things that come up.  I silently added that there wasn't a lot of time for God or spirit when my schedule is that full, either.

Today, I woke up sick.  Aha number 3.

I wondered with my spiritual reflection group on the phone in between two two-hour naps, why it was that I had to be ill in order to give myself permission to have a low-key kind of day.  This is not, unfortunately, a new reflection, but rather like an old, worn slipper, or acquaintance I haven't visited in awhile.  Hmmm.  Apparently, I still have the illusion that busy is better in some way.  I am curious by nature, so I am interested in many things.  I struggle with setting limits on how many things I can be involved in because they are all so interesting.  Even though I know that there is a definite tipping point where quality starts to suffer, and I hate that.  Which is often when I get sick.

The good news is that I did take those naps and am feeling much better.  In addition, it is my goal to begin to leave gaping open spaces in my calendar in order to handle the ever-growing task list on my outlook calendar.  I love learning about new ways to take care of myself, and I sense this one is key--though another key will be ongoing permission to keep that space in my calendar.  It might help if it had a wonderful name, like "Spontaneous Productivity Time!" or "Task List Tango Time!" 

Meanwhile, I have a date with a fuzzy blanket, a cup of tea, and a nice, warm puppy......

What are you going to do with them?

Wow, was I humbled, proud, and joyous this morning.  A young girl, who I have had the honor to have had in youth group, gave the sermon at church.  Kelsey is the daughter of a former pastor at our church, a woman named Sheryl Peterson, who died from complication of MS in 1996.

As Kelsey read scripture from The Message, I was struck with one line.  The scripture was from John 20, when Jesus appears to his disciples after his death on the cross.  He breathes the Holy Spirit into them, and in this translation then says, "If you forgive someone's sins, they're gone for good. If you don't forgive sins, what are you going to do with them?"

I laughed. 

What, indeed, are you going to do with them?

I  have also had the privilege this year to be studying A Course In Miracles with some spiritually-minded friends.  Much of what we and the course have discussed to date really is about forgiveness.  And so my heart leapt with lightness and joy and irony and "aha!" when I heard that scripture this morning.

How many times does our righteousness (and believe me, I love to be right....) help us keep a death grip on someone else's fault?  I mean, I know I'm right.  I've even said, sighing, "I wish I wasn't right about this, but...."  And what does it get me?  A burden, that's what.  A burden that I carry.  Feelings that do not promote love, forgiveness, and inner peace.

Notice that this is not about the other person.  Forgiving does not mean forgetting.  There are things and wrongs that should not be forgotten and that demand justice be served.  Still, if I do not forgive, what am I going to do with it?  In a sense, the person who has wounded us has passed the wound to us by their behavior, words, actions, whatever.  What are we going to do with it?  Help it fester by being right?  Irritate it into infection by rubbing it regularly with fear, hate, disappointment, anger and resentment?  Or are we going to heal it, by sending love and compassion to the wound, caring for the broken part of ourselves that we temporarily believe is less due to someone else's action?  And then, with love and clarity, let it go, in essence, giving it back to the person to deal with.  It was, after all, their action.

The choice is ours, freely given by Christ who blew Spirit into our ancestors centuries ago.  "If you forgive someone's sins, they're gone for good. If you don't forgive sins, what are you going to do with them?"

If you choose forgiveness, they are gone for good--from you.  If not, well, what are you going to do with them?