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Bikinis, Baristas, and More Sexism in the Great Northwest

A friend of mine recently asked me to weigh in on the local Bikini Barista scandal.  Yeah, I have a few things to say.....

The news story centers around some young women, ages 18-24, who have been charged with prostitution after a two-month investigation by Everett police detectives.  Wow.  Two months.  That's a lot of opportunity to double check that when you drive through one particular stand for coffee, you get the mutual whipped cream licking extravaganza or a strip show.  Maybe they were just being thorough, wanting to make sure that the girls were really doing this over and over and over again. One detective reportedly went once with a prosecuting attorney, and then went back on another occasion, where he witnessed more of the above behavior. Give the boys in blue a hand for their thoroughness.  Boo-yah.

A dear friend told me last week that her daughter was just hired at a drive-through espresso stand near her town, where "the girls get more tips depending on what they wear, but it can't be 'skanky' or 'sleezy'."  Talk about CYA.  Wear what (or as little as) you want, but if you get in trouble, Mr. Boss-man will be able to say he warned you about not being "skanky" or "sleazy."  The conversation came up when my friend found lingerie on the floor that her daughter was planning to wear to work.

Where's the equal opportunity employment here?  While it's not against the law, obviously these private employers do discriminate on the basis of gender, age, and most likely, weight.  I doubt I'd pass muster to be hired as a bikini barista, though the thought of a bunch of middle-aged mamas taking on this challenge does have a certain appeal.

I keep thinking about the blatant sexism involved in these cases.  I mean, can you even imagine a coffee stand where male barista would stoop to this type of behavior?  Actually, you don't have to imagine it.  Check out this story from Silverdale, WA, where one male barsita did just that--donned pasties in an effort to poke fun at this craze of scantily clad female coffee makers in our state.  But here's the rub.  He did it as a joke.  And in fact, this is no joke.

Imagine if a bunch of men were seriously hired to dress scantily on a regular basis to get  more tips from predominantly female clients at a coffee stand.  How long do you think it would take for someone to be up in arms about lewd and lascivious behavior toward young women in our midst?  I doubt it would be anywhere near two months. And therein lies the irony.  On the one hand, we have the "leave us alone" private enterprise folks saying it's no big deal, and on the other, we have a slap in the face of women's rights.  Sex sells, and while some people may say it's the girls' prerogative to work somewhere like that, there is this--my friend's daughter is working where she does because "no one else is hiring right now."   Since when is it ok to pimp out women in any sense of the word due to touch economic times?

Say what you may about first amendment rights and freedom of expression, but this is much deeper than that.  If girls are feeling pressure to sexualize themselves for money in order to make a living, something is very wrong.  We'd all frown if these were drug-addicted women on the street corners in our neighborhoods, so why isn't it the same outrage for the corner coffee stand?  And where's the accountability for the owner for his employees' on-the-job conduct?  Looking the other way is neither appropriate or excusable in this scenario.

Next time you or someone you know is told to wear a bikini to work by a male employer, think twice about the indirect impact on young girls and boys and other women and men in society.  We need to band together as women and men to fight sexism, because the impact of it continuing is felt far beyond our neighborhoods, out cities, and even our country's borders.  We are all worthy of dignity and respect, whether our bodies are judged bikini worthy or not.

The Spirit of Intersex

I have written recently in The Federal Way Mirror, and in the Parenting by Strengths Blog about Intersex issues.  The media coverage of Caster Semenya, which coincided with my finishing the book, Middlesex,  has prompted these writings.  Our society, by and large, is woefully ignorant about intersex issues--the frequency of their occurrence, the number of issues that cause them, the difference between sex and gender in general.

Here, on my personal blog, I am struck by what God thinks about all of this, having created each and every individual exactly the way they are and loving us all--those of us who are intersex, along with those of us who are woefully ignorant about this topic and still use the outdated and inaccurate term "hermaphrodite." 

This video is a performance by Eric Bibb of his song, Spirit I Am.  I was introduced to this song this weekend at a Satsong at my favorite yoga studio.  I think it brings it all home.  We all live the spirit we are, in the bodies we have.  Amen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LTYmFMQ-4A

Check out my post on Parenting by Strengths

I blogged about why preschool isn't too early for sex ed.

Check Out Parenting By Strengths Today....

I've posted over at Parenting by Strengths--more info for parents to combat sexism with children and teens.

Abstinence Only Re-Branding?!

I highly recommend you check out this article today: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2009/4/27/724906/-The-rebranding-of-abstinence-only-has-begun

It's about how Abstinence-only programs are trying to repackage their ineffective, inaccurate educational programs as "healthy choice" and "smart choice" programs.  We've spent enough on this type of education that research after research after research project has shown are INEFFECTIVE! 

Article includes links to contact President Obama and your legislators requesting DE-FUNDING of abstinence only education.  We have to defund this kind AND start funding comprehensive sexuality ed.  Two different and necessary steps to stop the madness!

Take 5 minutes to make a difference in our children's future!

Our Righteousness Is Killing Us

I'm over at Parenting by Strengths today, blogging on this topic!  Check it out!

Sex, Politics, and Religion

As you know from my previous post about SEAT, these things converge in my world.  I want to share with you an article running in today's Federal Way Mirror that I wrote, entitled: Our Righteousness Is Killing Us (click on the title to go to the online article, or open up your Mirror to page 4 if you live in Federal Way....).  I hope that by reaching a few more people, I can help spread some information and passion about the absolute necessity of our working together to provide our youth with comprehensive sexuality education.  And if you tire of this topic, no worries--I'll be back soon with more musings.....

SEAT

I had the incredible honor and privilege to be part of a group of faithful, religious communities joined in voice to promote comprehensive sexuality education last week in Washington, DC.

The 6th Annual SEAT (Sexuality Education Advocacy Training) was put on by the United Church of Christ, the Unitarian Universalist Association and the Union for Reform Judaism.  I am still processing, interpreting, coveting, and holding dear and discerning best ways to share all that I learned and experienced there. 

Aside from the fact that 40 of us came from literally all over the country (Washington State, Pennsylvania, Colorado, Florida, Ohio, Texas, New Mexico, California, Indiana, Delaware, Massachussetts, etc), the experience of joining together as people of faith to be a religious voice to our legislators about a topic so precious to me touches my heart deeply.

Lobbying was, how can I say this?  Way cool!!!!! Empowering, inspiring, patriotic....

Being in community with people who are intergenerational (lots of youth and young adults there with us older folks), interfaith, advocates for sexuality education of the comprehensive variety seemed to be a match made especially for me.  I love teenagers, I love my faith and learning about the faith of others, I love advocates and advocating, and I love sexuality education.  'Nuf said.

But what I really want to share is a prayer written and read by UUA Reverend Meg Riley at our closing time together.  You can go here for her post, and I am also including the text of her prayer below.  I hope it touches and inspires you like it did me.  And you can take that inspiration into action by contacting your legislators and asking them to support the REAL Act (Responsible Education About Life), which is legislation that would open up a federal funding stream for comprehensive sexuality education.  Please also ask that they DEFUND abstinence only education--those funds have already been allocated and must be defunded or they just keep on giving groups money to spread myths like HIV is spread through tears, and condoms failure rates are 30% (go here and here for some really entertaining presentation of some really startling information. 

Here's the prayer, with my blessings added to Reverend Meg's, and in conjunction with my faith community in supporting us all to be healthy, included in community with one another, and loved always.

Prayer for Wholeness

by Rev. Meg Riley. Inspired by the participants at the Sexuality Education Advocacy Training (SEAT), 2009. For more information about SEAT, see the SEAT FAQ.

Sweet source of hope and healing, longing and life,

We know our first responsibility is to create a world which supports the growth of our world’s children

A world safe for them to explore, and to learn and grow, without being judged or punished.

A world safe for them to make mistakes, knowing there is nothing they can do to lose our love.
May we provide them with tools to protect themselves and those they love from decisions which hurt—information about the physical, spiritual, emotional aspects of sexuality.

May they know it is safe for them to come to us always, and we won’t make it worse.

We wish that life were simple.
We wish that unwanted pregnancies never occurred,

That no one engaged in any kind of sexual activity without protection and real choice, real response-ability,

That all people were equally valued.

We wish that every person knew his or her own beauty and worth, and thus that of the others with whom she or he interacted.

A child I love dearly, aged ten, was struggling with gender identity.

“Do you ever feel,” I prodded gently, trying to understand, “as if you were born into the wrong body?”

The young one paused for a moment of silence, and responded, “Nope, this is my body all right. I feel like I was born into the wrong world!”

We pray that we can make this wrong world a little bit more right for our children.

May they know and cherish their own bodies as sacred, beautiful, true.
May we create a world which reflects this back to them.

May we demand schools, governments, communities, which honor them

And in so doing, be worthy of this gift of life, this beautiful broken world.

Amen.

To Bar-bie, or Not to Bar-bie......

Barbie is turning 50 this month, which prompted these random thoughts on a long plane ride to Indiana last week....

I played with Barbies as a child, reveling in the clothes my grandma handmade for mine, playing out fantasies of fashion with ball gowns and wedding ensembles.  One of my sons (whom I will not name here) was enthralled with Barbie as a preschooler.  At the time, my women friends with daughters were dealing with a dilemma about whether or not to encourage Barbie in their homes—sort of like how I was discerning about gun and weapon play in my home with two sons.  However, since I had a son, I thought odds were he wouldn’t be enthralled with Barbie forever, so I could indulge.  Myself, really.  I got to shop in the pink and purple aisle instead of the red and black aisle at Toys R Us for a few brief months.  By this time, Barbie had branched out into different professions—Olympic gymnast, scuba diver, and other versions in which she actually had flat feet…..

One day, when my preschool aged son was changing Barbie’s outfit in our family room, my husband stumbled upon the scene.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  He said, “Look at that!  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a real woman with breasts that big, a waist that small, and legs that long!  How unrealistic!”  Of course, he was saying it for my benefit as much as the 3-year-old’s, but I still thought, “I married a really good man.”

We have come a long way, but still encounter gender stereotypes on a regular basis—in advertising and media in particular.  Swiffer has a commercial platform right now that is entirely focused on women being the ones who do the housework .  There are no mops dressed to the nines trying to entice the men of the house to “come back” to them. 

Would it be so awful to use the popularity of Barbie to promote awareness of women’s issues?  What about Breast Cancer Barbie?  She could wear pink, and proudly show off her one breast while she trains for the Breast Cancer 3-Day.  She'd have a special bra to wear. 

Heart Health Barbie could wear red and speak out about healthy eating and exercise to reduce heart disease.  Maybe pregnant Barbie could help with awareness about sexuality education and pregnancy—ok, a little difficult with the present lack of actual genitalia on both genders in the Barbie pack, but an idea nonetheless.  (Actually, I need to note that Mattel did attempt a pregnant Midge doll in 2002—she was married and expecting her second child, no less.  There was so much negative hoopla about possibly encouraging teen pregnancy that they pulled the dolls from store shelves shortly before Christmas that year.  True story.)

Since she IS 50,  I would love to see Menopause Barbie.  She could come with mood swings and hot flashes.  She’d dress in layers and have her own personal fan.  She’d consult Dr. Barbie about the perils and advantages of hormone replacement therapy, and learn to love herself and the changes in her body.

I’ll admit, blaming Barbie for our gender differences persisting isn’t really effective—after all, we are the ones who continue to clamor for her.  Still, it’s worth checking out the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty to see some of the pressures we put on young women in our society.  I particularly recommend "Onslaught," "Evolution," and "Amy."  Of course, our young men have pressures too, but that’s another article.

The answer isn’t to ban Barbie, any more than it is to ban sex (news flash—even after over $1 Billion worth of Abstinence-only education, we remain ahead of many developing countries in teen pregnancy and std’s).  The answer is to use Barbie and Swiffer and other blatant gender boxes as points to converse with our children. 

• Talk about her unrealistic proportions.  
• Wonder why there aren’t any female mops trying to get back in the good graces of men cleaning house.  
• Model gender neutral behavior in your home.  
• Make an effort to have more gender neutral toys than not.  
• And above all else, love your wonderful self the way you are.  That way, no matter if you are under, at, or over 50, no Barbie doll can make you feel inferior.